Monday, 9 March 2009

WRIGLEY'S CHEWING GUM + An Australian Love Poem.

WRIGLEY'S CHEWING GUM! An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia . The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' 'We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'



Who said Australians weren't romantic?.

Of course I love ya darlin. You're a bloody top-notch bird.

And when I say you're gorgeous. I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side. I don't mind a bit of flab.

It means that when I'm ready, there's somethin there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more; I tell ya, I don't care.

So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there.

No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts.

They just gave in to gravity but I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin' ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies.

I think its very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna's grave now, the moment that we met, I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear, now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer..

9 comments:

Vest said...

Andrew: my right to reply, without further remarks, regarding your audacity to infer that my English is imperfect.It is something I am already aware of.

The following Email was sent to me by a friend Andrew B.

I had to edit your item as there are defects in the English.

added the word 'me' between fetch -and- another
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who said Australians weren't romantic?.
When a sentence ends with a question mark, there is no need for a
(period mark) . to follow
As the ? already represents that and the . is included in the ? to
indicate the end of a sentence.

It means that when I'm ready, there's somethin there to grab
It means that when I'm ready, there's somethin' there to grab
(apostrophe missing that denotes a missing letter)
Somehow it was correct on the second line
(Of course I love ya darlin'. You're a bloody top-notch bird.)

I think its very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs.
you've (is an abbreviation, (and a bad one at that) - of - you have.
so placing 'got' after it becomes redundant.
As it already means 'you have dimples on your thighs'....
besides, got in fact the word 'get' means to obtain something by toil.
So it does not belong in the sentence on two counts

I swear on me nanna's grave now, the moment that we met,
Red marked. What is this me nonsense? Written by a 12 year old no doubt.

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear, now shut up while the footy's on and fetch another beer..
Changed to : No matter what you look like; I'll always love ya' dear,
Writing just a letter u is a sure sign of illiteracy. (or mental laziness at best)

... In the faint hope that the writers English will improve.
In a bid to stamp out illiteracy.
It seems that many adults have caught this disease.

ims@unwired.com.au
.................

Vest Say's. " Andrew, go and get well and truly stuffed dicko, only an arsehole of your calibre would fail to recognize it was a copied message sent to me by none other than 'Graeme' who is an accountant and a regular contributor to the comments section".
Andrew, if you are unsure how to use the comments section, ask and I will instruct you".
Have a thoughtful day, your dear fiend - sorry er - friend ,J L S, aka L J B or Vest.

There is only one success - to be able to live your life in your own way and not to give others absurd, maddening claims upon it.

wally said...

who., does.? that* wanker think he is, has he nothing better to do,..,,./?.... ;((((( jeeze i'm getting wersur thanhims..//.

frog said...

Vest, I have given ims@unwired a serve hope you dont mind..

Vest said...

ims(Andrew)I am enclosing a copy of a reply that I recieved on the writers blog who rates at a thousand comments per week, the lady in question has ceased blogging for a while.

Keshi said...
Vesty hey plz dun cry. HUGS! :)

I love ya u know that! u TC of ur sweet self now. I will drop by ur place whenever I can...to check on ya and ur health. hooroo for now!

Keshi.

2 March 2009 11:46

So it would seem sport that pure English is not always necessary to communicate.
Any more of your tripe, I shall send my granny around to beat you up.

Vest said...

I am reminded of a Bible puncher who blogged under 'Q' going back a bit. 'Q' stated my sentence structure on one post needed attention. I reminded him that most biblical parables and epistles together with the miscellaneous hymn books around the world needed more attention than my blog.

lower deck lawyer. said...

Hi Vest. I would suggest that fewer than five percent of people in English speaking communities use proper philistinic English, it is a language so complicated that is impossible in most sit's not to make a cock up once in a while.
Goodonyermate. Mike.

Aggie said...

Ha, loved the gum story. I hate Yankees chewing gum. I'd turn that poem around and make it about middle-aged males ... with pot beer guts.

CHRIS said...

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.



You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'



He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'



The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'



Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'



'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.



Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'



Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'



The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'



Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'



'Been in the business 60 years.'



Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'



Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'



The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.



Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'



The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Jimmy said...

I have no time for u and Rm now
no time for A and K

I found me my own girl
she is single no kids
she is 55 if she aint lying

hope she aint 85

Goodbye Dear Rosemary. (Final)

      It was around 3 pm Wednesday March 8 That Rosemary returned from 'Day Care', she looked fine and healthy and bubbly and gave ...