Sunday, 23 December 2012

Cor blimey, What a night !

Got back to our castle from the club Via my mates house about 2am, much goings on - still a bit of  swearing and people necking in the shrubbery, the bang clang music still blaring due to the neighbours being away places distant, I slept in the gardener's cottage(Shed) til 0800, was wakened by the visiting family of magpies tucking into several piles of vomit amid the cans bottles a broken glass reminiscent of a Barry Dog's Head Barby and general piss up. The local handyman had been summoned to clean up the chaos and had just returned from the local park after depositing the last three drunks from our back garden. Previously invitations had been sent to people with an option to bring a friend and their own grog and for those who were poor a selection of the cheapest plonk was available from the family cellar. Several half cooked steaks on the Barby being attacked by ants were cut up and fed to a couple of large crows, one of whom had flown off earlier with a condom so I was informed by her indoors who was upset about the demise of her fake Ming vase which we used as a brolly stand, then looking out of the front window after squeezing behind the sofa I trod into a discarded pizza portion when I noticed the front flower beds were in a sorry state and a lone car was parked on our frontage, Our handyman then asked me to  check out our pet enclosure where an old swimming pool housed a 2.5 baby Croc named 'Salty', Salty is quite amicable until you enter his territory , last year we found a football in his enclosure which was covered in blood, we are not sure what happened and no one has been reported missing so far , However today near a pool of blood lay a single shoe which we presumed may have belonged to the owner of the solitary vehicle parked out front.
So it was finally decided to phone the Old Bill. After redialling a Wooden Top answered my call, I told him I want to report a possible murder.
"What do you mean a possible murder is the person deceased or what, and who is the person", "dunno Say's I, Only salty knows the guy in question and he isn't saying anything". "Where are you phoning from says wooden top" I revealed our location and he replied we have two drunk drivers in our cells who say they were at your residence last night" "Be about right" said I.
Ten Minutes later sergeant flatfoot arrived and checked the rego of the vehicle out front with a personalised plate reading SPU TOO. the owner apparently a local SP Bookie...... after DNA Checks it was confirmed it was he the bookie who salty had for a late night snack, now it is left to the bobbies to find out was he pushed or did he jump?.
Back soon, have fun, Vest. Copyright Daily

Friday, 21 December 2012

So the world will not end today after all.

What a shame, we could have enjoyed a merry Christmas and a happy end of the world all in one, dun fink its gonnahappen folks; so we may now continue our debauchery murder and love-hate relationships until the next stupid prediction.... Australia luckily has an advantage over most of the world and should be the first to experience the planet's doom, as predicted by ancient soothsayers of the extinct Mayan civilisation which disappeared a fair while back, so any further advice from the archives of these extinct geezers should be taken with a pinch of salt - or garlic if you are Latino or Hispanic....... Much more likely; is that we will all still be here come Saturday, in one form or another. Hopefully this could be the end for end of the world predictions...... Tomorrow pinch yourself to be sure....... Back soon Vest. BTW.For those readers of my blog who live on other planets, and I know a few of these non earthlings, Watch it Mate, your next.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Someone is actually reading my blogs.

Very few of my callers who comment on this blog are relatives. Hands up those who have called recently, It would help to compile my LWAT which is lacking legatees. Thank you Gerry for your glowing report on Christmas. Plus your Christmas good wishes, purely out of politeness in response to my own good wishes to you. Gerry said Sunday, December 16, 2012 Christmas I have trouble with Christmas. I am not a Christian. I am an agnostic with atheistic leanings who thinks Jesus was a dissident Jewish rabbi and brilliant spiritual teacher who got crucified for upsetting the religion-political apple cart. I'm quite impressed by his Sermon on the Mount, but that's about it. Let's move on, folks. However, this time of year, every year, I am bombarded with "Merry Christmas" wishes, mostly from people who aren't all that Christian either. Certainly their ability (or willingness) to live according to the Nazarene's teachings seems to be as dismal as mine. We are told by merchants that if we don't buy enough food and crap to facilitate this orgy of celebration, the economy will collapse. Governments have even refunded some of the taxes they had collected (for building better health services and roads etc), in order to encourage us to go keep the merchants and their underpaid staff from slashing their wrists. I'll tell you how bad it's gotten! In commenting on the previous post, Vesty wished me a merry Christmas. And now, because social convention demands it, and because I genuinely wish him well, I have no option but to respond with: "Merry Christmas Vesty !!!" Bah! Humbug! Merry Christmas, readers. Have a good one !!! You too, Vesty! :-)))) posted by Gerry at 2:26 AM 0 Comments Vest Say's. These are extracts from my Diaries and later Memoirs. I was about fourteen years of age at the time I was compulsorily confirmed into the church of England by the bishop of Norfolk. I had learned about the catechism and other christian principles, I also learned not to ask adverse questions about the teachings of the bible. Our Holy man at the dreadful nautical college I was attending had a heavy hand. He told us that blind faith in the Lord would guide us through our lives and that the lack of faith was an unpardonable sin.... When I asked the Rev Holy Harling if his faith would save him if he jumped off a cliff after praying for safety, he chased me around the class room waving his cane......The malevolent use of the 'Unpardonable sin doctrine' by the Christian Faith justified their mass murderings and burning of people at the stake. Holy Harling was the reincarnation of Dracon 659-601 BC............My nose had detected that the bishop who was conducting the confirmation; had been at the sacramental wine. Only once did I attend Holy Communion. I just couldn't swallow the dogma. The thought of drinking the blood of Christ and eating his body were inhuman and repulsive to me........later. Joining the Royal Navy. The inscription in the Bible in my possession read; To L.... J..... B. On the Feast of the Epiphany, Jan 7, 1942. It was signed by the Rev Harling. I often wonder if the Rev Harling made it to Heaven....I do hope he wasn't too disappointed...... Merry XMAS Gerry you old scrooge, Bah humbug and all that unsociable stuff to all regards Vest..... Back soon. .....OH all right. "Merry Christmas Everyone"

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

The Stupid 2ND Amendment

"That's right, absolutely stupid" It should become the first of UncleSamlands plethora of daft amendments to be re-amended, better still abolished. Most of us are aware of the backlash one receives from brain-dead redneck boozy shooters every time this disgusting privilege is threatened, but the outcry worldwide regarding the latest slaughter of innocent children and their teachers hopefully will bring to the minds of all that this is the final straw enough is enough. ..... Since the end of the Illegal invasion of Vietnam by the (USA Who I refer to as the New Germans) approx 50,000 souls have died in the USA from domestic and criminal usage of firearms, this figure is similar to that of the number of USA military deaths during the conflict in Vietnam, but multiply that figure by five and we may be near the number of deceased Vietnamese who perished in that unnecessary war. ..... However we may be on the brink of change. But some USA Cits will tell us that it is none our business, I went through that harangue seven years ago when pilloried by people I considered friends until I dared speak up against the 2ND Amendment, fortunately the barrier of the Pacific Ocean separated me from those USA rednecks. ..... The National Rifle Association of America is understandably silent over the recent killings, Its love affair with the 2ND Amendment and the right to bear arms is teetering on the brink and hopefully will not recover, the possible end of its powerful lobbying abilities in the capital and the states have them mortified. ..... To desire and strive to be of some service to the world, to aim at doing something which shall really increase the happiness and welfare of mankind - this is a choice which is possible for all of us; and surely is a good haven to sail for. ..... VEST, Back soon. ..... BTW, How are the Rednecks or taking this?

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

A Christmas Party.

Merry Christmas to ALL!! A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the Tax office sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Monday, 10 December 2012

Perfection personified.

To create perfection takes time. Dissatisfaction within your Marriage or Recognised Partnership known as the 'Seven Year itch, allegedly occurs after seven years of marriage. The pace of modern life being what it is , we seem to have accelerated the process and are hitting the seven year distance within one year, and it seems more couples are unhappiest during their first year of togetherness than those which follow. The phrase honeymoon period' clearly needs rethinking, but it is still worth considering why there should be so much dissatisfaction so early. Possibly it may be due to our present day culture being so demanding of every thing being immediate. However, most happily married couples know that perfection takes time. Give it more than one year at least. ....................................................................................... WHAT IS A HUSBAND. A Husband is a man you really like and really love - he's the closest friend you've ever had.... A HUSBAND is that special man who shares your dreams for a wonderful future. He gives the special meaning to that beautiful word - Together. It really doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing so long as we have each other to share it all. HAPPY CHRISTMAS To my Hubby Les AKA Vest.... Your lover Rosemary.XXX Posted By Rosemary with permission of Daily Gaggle.Com

Leaving Rosemary in charge.

Leading up to the festive season Vest will be busily involved with matters other than blogging. but may squeeze in a pre Xmas post depending on time allowing such.So matters blogging will be left for My dear lady to sort out. Back soon. Vest.

Friday, 7 December 2012

So the World will not end after all

Despite the Mayan prophesy and other clap trap , soothsayers predictions and confirmation by Madam Carbon tax herself, sod all has happened and I'll bet Quids it will not. Take a squiz at this. Or do you think it may be a little late arriving for some obscure reason. Have your say before it is too late.

Monday, 3 December 2012

The alternative to being blind drunk.

A couple of days ago I made a trip to Dan Murphy's Plonk emporium, Dan M flogs his grog at a discount that makes other suppliers of bottled headaches wince. beside the 2 cases of beer; a case of Shiraz and other misc spirits, six bottles of JW Red size L 1.25 was a huge saving on the reg 700ml bottle price. Then on surfacing this morning er indoors handed me my Sydney Daily Telegraph( delivered daily to our door), together with my large glass of filtered water followed by a cuppa with one sugar. it was then shortly after I realised I should have bought JW Black instead of Red. A Kiwi guy named Dennis Duthie aged 65 had got stuck into the Vodka big time, Dennis from Taranaki New Zealand is a diabetic and the plonk he had been gargling had horrible reactions with his medication and sent him blind. Doctors at the local hospital realised he was suffering from formaldehyde poisoning sometimes treated by administering ethanol known to be in whiskey and treated Dennis with a Johnny Walker Black whiskey Drip by tube into his stomach. Luckily Dennis woke five days later, his sight restored. The moral of the story is should you be a diabetic get rid of that Vodka poste haste, Having problems send it to me for destruction I will gladly pay postage and packing. Email me for details. Back soon ....Vest.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

"Pss't, Wanna buy a battleship".or ''Hi Sailor"

Sydney NSW. Today it was announced in my Fave news paper(Delivered daily to my door)that a Battleship had arrived on our shores. Of course most intelligent people would know that, in this day and age , no such thing as a Battleship exists any more other than those used as memorials and have become shore bound, or in this case the figment of the imagination of The Sydney Daily Telegraph's MS Caroline Marcus whose knowledge re the international classification of Naval ships is sadly lacking. ...................................................................................... So let's get this cock up straightened out. The South Korean Naval Vessel visiting our shores on a friendly visit which is obvious otherwise it would have been sunk by our by our half/asleep Navy by now, is not a Battleship; MS Caroline Marcus. It is a Warship of Destroyer classification. All Naval ships are Warships and come under Submarines, Frigates, Destroyers cruisers, Aircraft carriers, And Battleships if you can find one. I served on the last British battleship which left Sydney Sun Jan 6 1946, HMS King George V...... oddly The Last British battleship to be built , was named Vanguard, which means I believe to be the first or forerunner, not the last. ............ Just a Thought, why do most foreign naval uniforms appear more modern and comfortable than those of British and Commonwealth comic opera navy uniforms reminiscent of Gilbert and Sullivan, gramophone needles and great grandma's musty memento's? BTW. Do you as a Brit or Commonwealth citizen agree that this silly girlish uniform our sailors wear should be changed so that our jack tars appear to be men and not deviates in drag. or maybe they should have the option of Mini skirts and Perms and a slap of make up, then it would be easier for them to dance the sailors 'Hornpipe' when ashore, as many sailors will tell you even a sober sailor cannot dance the hornpipe on the deck of a rolling ship. However, "Knock knock", "Who's there", "Nicholas", "Nicholas who" "Knickerless sailors in mini skirts should not climb the rigging" Vest... Back soon.

Vest Has Left the Building

To advise that Vest (Les Bowyer) passed away this morning. Regards, Chris (Son).