Showing posts from November, 2011

A Father Dilemma.

Or a Mother of a problem. Forward into the future people world wide with the exception of those bogged down with archaic religious problems may find themselves celebrating  'Parent 1 Day' instead of 'Fathers or Mothers day'. That seems to be the logic of present moves to include 'parent 1 and parent 2 in Australian passports' seen as a means of accommodating the descriptive means of same sex couples. Could be problems there, who gets to decide which parent is assigned each number, could parent 2 even be the victim of numerical  discrimination. Perhaps same sex applications could list both parents as fathers or mothers. Problem solved. Are you a Quitter. Whether you are an ABC music quiz show or parliament speaker, quitting can leave on lookers with a  disappointed, bereft sensation. Just keep doing the job for ever and ever so we can feel secure and comfortable. However if you really really must quit try very hard not to release an album  of love songs in

Check your shopping receipts before you leave the shop.

  Even if you are paying in cash, but mandatory when using any card system. The big retailers particularly the supermarkets do not automatically hand you a receipt anymore if the sale is under $30. you must ask for it… CHECK YOUR RECEIPTS BEFORE LEAVING THE CHECK-OUT An associate bought a heap of stuff the other day while on holidaying in Melbourne (over $450), & when he glanced at his receipt as the cashier was handing him the bags. He saw cash out of $20. He told her He didn't request any cash and to delete it. She said he'd have to take the $20 because she couldn't delete it. He told Her to call a supervisor. Supervisor came and said he'd have to take it.. he said “NO Bloody way!” Because taking the $20 would be a “cash advance” against his Credit card and he wasn't paying interest on a cas

Sleazebag Golfers make me cringe. plus Sex for the Aged.

        Suckhole journo's heaping gushing praise on those wealthy international oversexed  golfing creeps like "Victorious Shark has crack at Tiger" what a load of bollocks and gobbledygook. If I had my way Huge golf courses would be used for growing spuds for export to starving nations. should my number three and four son's rebuke me for this outburst; too bad.       Colonel Gaddafi's son Seif al - Islam will receive a Fair Trial (ha ha) following his capture yesterday. This will be followed by a swift lopping of his nogging by Scimitar shortly after.        The sex lives of pensioners or aged persons have a significant impact on their marital satisfaction and general happiness. A study of a large range of over 65's found 60% had sex more than once a month and were happy compared to only 40% who had not had sex for a year. About 80% who had sex more than once a month said they were very happy in their relationships. Highlighting the relation ship betwee

You must be joking "How many Battleships"?

The Daily Telegraph -  my favourite newspaper delivered daily to my door, has always had a stack of editing problems. Today we have their so called history writer Ann Beveridge bashing out yet another saga about the sinking of the Royal Australian Navy light Cruiser The HMAS Sydney. It would seem every year this mysterious wartime occurrence is churned out, so if by chance this story has passed you by , this can be seen on line on the Sat edition of the Daily Telegraph  Nov 19. 2011. Today this story Starts: ... THE Australian Battleship the HMAS Sydney sank 70 years ago to day on November 19, 1941.  No need to repeat what happened every man jack has heard this story umpteen times , it's enough for jolly jack to ditch his Tot. History writers like in this case should checkout the facts before confusing the public. A Battleship it was not, The HMAS Sydney was a light cruiser as in a type of  WARSHIP . Warships come in many categories shapes and sizes, Starting from the larger B

From Vest, In reply to my recent critics.

       Being an Orphan without monetary advantage and with minimal, or better put - inadequate education, and the possibility of a higher education out of reach, the struggle to learn becomes one's own responsibility. I have only my tutors to blame for any ignorance on my part; and any semblance of intelligence I should be held accountable for.        I was not a philological prodigy. I lacked that uncanny gift which some people have for language structure which seems akin to a gift for music or calculation. I never became concerned with the metaphysical aspects of language.( I am not interested in Chomsky.That places me.) And I never thought of myself as a 'writer' or though I have tried to become one. I do have the opinion I am a fairly good plodder With an aptitude for grammar when necessary and a love of words understood by the masses.       Few so called writers have the same abilities each have their own style if not each story would be boring.       Each story or

Brits Love Aussieland. The Nation of vegetables. Plus Cricket.

Those lovely British people love Australia, despite the Aussies  desire to become Crickets all time losers. It could be the time again to import a few foreign players by giving a few well paid ball belters a temporary or Keppler Wessells type citizenship.  Retraining depleted and worn mouth wallers such as Andrew  M could solve the wicket keeping crises ( providing he could be fitted with a pair of mouth gloves. However, the British people still love this sun burnt country and like myself have voted it the best place on Earth to live or just visit. Australia finished on top place  ahead of Spain and Italy and America was the poor loser. Tourism  from the U/K was worth $2 Billion a year. Again However, I have a sneaky feeling most of the money coming in is from Brit pensions being paid to expat Brits living here. At least 30% of my retirement income is sourced from Great Britain. Most Australians cannot recognise every day vegetables. It could be a nutritionists nightmare. Most ad

Beer Belly Bandit bogged down in Bathroom Window

      The Lakesides burglar who we will call beer belly Bill was caught red handed by a guy  we will call Fred who saw him jammed in his neighbours bathroom window late at night. Fred's neighbour we will call Alan was contacted by phone at a local club  and minutes later Fred and Alan assessed the situation and it seems the struggling burglar was jammed in the tight fitting window simply because the push up window lever with hole's for varied degrees of opening had come loose and the spoke on the ledge had jammed into his belt buckle. Beer belly Bills plaintive pleas for help were mingled with the pain he was feeling, he had kicked away the bin which had assisted his entry of  Alan's bathroom window where he was now firmly jammed. Alan then proceeded to photograph both ends of this writhing monster who was now saying sorry and pleading with Alan not to call the cops, Fred then found Bills wallet and  Alan photocopied his details also extracted the only forty odd dollars

Cricket Test. Australia "ALL OUT for 47".

Last Man in Hits highest score on Debut,... Ducks Galore....But keep calm . this is no reason to commit suicide, the game is not yet over. Aussie fans 'Have a nice day '.... Vest.


CURRY CONTEST If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's absolutely no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal , you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America . Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

200,000 Oriental troops storm the beaches of Sydney.

The year Ad 2001.  November 5, WW3  started. Nearly a quarter of a million Oriental troops landed on the Sydney beaches in an attempt to overthrow the Australian Govt and suppress its people and colonise the land. On the same day in Europe (Guy Fawlkes Day). North European forces landed  1 million troops on the South coast of  England in order to install a Salami culture and destroy England's 'Black Pudding Industry' which had flooded the supermarket shelves on the European Continent. After several months of conflict on both fronts the Oriental forces decided to give up and retire due to the shortage of dim sims and soy sauce and the resolute defence of the Strayans, and the invaders of England were suffering from ingesting too much Yorkshire pudding and a shortage of vodka. Many sad tales of these warring incidents have been recounted over the past decade, and so to revive old memories, delegations from the former invading countries, meaning people led by fat cat politi
1 .. Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2 . Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..' 3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5 . I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6 . My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7 A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. 8 . I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskim