Showing posts from March, 2009

Friends and Formerly Absent Family Members. It is "ALL FOOLS DAY"

Quite a turn out. Five sketchy seemingly unconscious family members who have never commented on this blog in its four years, fell hook line and sinker for the dubious offer on my recent posts, I am amazed that there is so much insanity and greediness within the tribe, covering both bloodlines. However, the large majority of relatives (including some of those who never call here)I shall assume, were able to read and understand that it was another................. APRIL FOOL JOKE. No I cannot reveal the identities of the priceless opportunist Rello's, I shall leave that for them to tell you how they become disconnected from the real world. If this post does not arrive on your pooter by Wednesday April 2 You may assume you have been 'Outed'. Everyone have a thoughtful day. Historic event. Vest was just Eighteen. April 1st Easter Sunday 1945. The last seaborne invasion of WW2 took place that day on Japanese occupied Okinawa. Called 'Operation Iceberg'. During its eight

Deadline , read a previous post 'Snail Mail.' This is important.

excerpt from 'SNAIL MAIL' follows. I am asking with all due respect, for all contacts who never reply or those who do not wish to receive Info from this site to contact me by email by April 1 09 to confirm cancellation or otherwise. However, in some cases the status quo will remain. Commenting for beginners: It is perfectly simple, easier to fathom out than the ancient Abacus or modern type writer and all that is required is one finger or more if you are dexterous. Simply go to the base of the post or legend and single click onto 'Post a comment' where you are guided through the process. You may use a Pseudo name your real name or given name only, you may also comment anonymously or use a nickname. Comments are moderated, some edited, excessive foul language will be deleted. Well that's about all for now, please reply soon. Vest, Daily Gaggle. Having the last say, particularly to Andrew 'B' Esq, the bane of misspellers.(Is that a word.) It is in vain to set

I suppose we can't blame the Train, which makes a change

The alarm went off at 7 am, then brekky showers and ready by nine to catch the train at 9.24 am. Ten mins drive to train took 17 minutes including parking and being delayed by a Council bulldozer and the wife saying her customary goodbyes. Oh well we had six minutes to spare until the train arrives. Not as such. That's right, the train pulled into the station at 9.18 am, just as we locked the car, we then made it to within 20 metres of the train but the train left us stranded on the platform. the ticket guy then told us the time tables had been changed. B---ocks, we will drive there. Finding the map book is not easy especially when my son tidies up our car, the book is ten years old, and after about 15 Min's I had gained recall of the route to be travelled. we back tracked to the nearest gas station and after topping up waited five Min's for a gossipping lady to move her car parked in front of us. We had 140 Klms to travel, 102 freeway the rest Sydney suburbia. I estimated

Age shall weary them and make them forget.

Going to be busy this week, even avoiding things I should be doing and being reminded by phone that, I have to attend the AGM of my Association tomorrow which will leave me with an unclear head until Friday. This one is for those of us " over " 50's.. Now you know - if you're the only one at church, it's obviously not Sunday. You have to remember a lot of things when you get old. For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are! And, speaking of senior moments: "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where his Sunday edition was.. "Sir", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as he was heard to mutt

Snail Mail is becoming Slower

Last week I received a letter on Thursday which had been posted locally on Tuesday by a person who does not have a computer and lives two minutes bike ride distant. I informed him that he should engage the more speedier services of the Town Crier. I recall being in Singapore in the fifties , when a letter posted in London UK and collected for delivery at 9:AM, would reach the recipient within 48 Hours at 4:30 PM - GH time in Singapore. Sadly, due to the 'De-Havilland Comet (The first jet airliner,British) disappearing en-route a couple of times, the service back peddled to the half speed Bristol Britannia aircraft, which I also recall taking twenty eight hours in 1962, to travel the 8,300 miles to HongKong from London, including two hours both in Istanbul and New Delhi. Plus a wife and three children to provide entertainment during the journey. In NSW Australia, we have five mail deliveries each week, no Sats or Suns, and I am reliably informed that it is due to the laggardly pace

Prisoners, Pets, and Overseas Pensioners Qualify for The Oz $900 Economic Stimulus Package

This is an extension to an earlier post last week. Prisoners eligible for stimulus package payments MURDERERS, rapists and drug dealers will reap $900 payments from taxpayers under Kevin Rudd's economic rescue package. The jail grapevine is rife with news of the looming windfall for felons who worked on the outside in the 2007-08 tax year. Thousand of inmates could get their hands on the latest round of stimulus cash, to flow from early next month. While many may have robbed or bashed people for less, all they have to do to collect the money is file a tax return. Should convicted criminals be able to receive the bonus? Tell us below Prisoners are unable to have more than $120 in their jail accounts but associates or family could access the cash. The Federal Government confirmed that recently arrived inmates would get the workers' tax bonus if they satisfied the eligibility criteria. Victims' advocate Noel McNamara said giving money to criminals was a disgrace. "These p

The DONG with a Luminous Nose.

During my schooldays at a Naval preparatory school, our English teacher an ex army Major WW1, Mr A D Bates(true) Who had been gassed in the trenches on the western front, yelled ; ''Open the windows open the doors" he was met with "Down with the roofs and up with the floors" from a chorus of boys who had been farting in the classroom before his arrival, the farting being attributed to the miscellaneous soup and dumplings served at lunchtime. Having crossed swords too often with Mr Bates I was singled out for punishment. I was told to open the poetry book at random and learn by heart the poem within. The look of dismay on my face followed large guffaws from that old sod when he announced my choice to the class who also saw it to be funny and in turn were given a similar task to learn "The Dong With a Luminous Nose". This incident was resurrected when I answered a question on last Friday's Televised 'EGGHEADS' show, when I gave the only correc

Andrew B .The Perfection Fascist.

Andrew B, I have known for close up to thirty years from his age of approx 40. Andrew reminds me of Rowan Atkinson a bit; plus a super nerd with an answer to the worlds problems at his finger tips, at times he can be flippant and angry at what most people would regard as sufficient information to make a point during discourse. Physically non violent, Andrew will remain my friend regardless of his recent outbursts. Andrew's most recent outburst in an Email received today follows that of his rebuke regarding a recent post in which I posted a 'Joke Poem' , submitted by my bean counting friend Graeme, in the post titled. WRIGLEYS CHEWING GUM 9 March 09, in which Andrew submitted the following stupid corrections. Vest said... Andrew: my right to reply, without further remarks, regarding your audacity to infer that my English is imperfect. It is something I am already aware of. The following Email was sent to me by a friend Andrew B. Who Say's-- I had to edit your item as t

This News will surely Resurrect the dead Quicker than J C.

Dead Cert For A $900:00 Windfall. DEAD People may be paid $900:00 by the Australian Federal Government as part of its 'Stimulus Package'. Widely known as the Lazarus Odyssey. The Australian Tax Office web-site says if all eligibility criteria is met, the money will be paid to the deceased persons estate. Estates I believe normally have about three years to wind up so certainly there will be deceased estates, in other words dead people, (similar to some suspects who receive info from this blog and are too bone idle to respond although some may consider a funny non personal Email a quick substitute for a personalised communication)Feel insulted? too bad. However, getting back to the freebie handouts. Eligible cadavers and those in vases on the kitchen shelf and those like some of you imitating the not too long departed will qualify for Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's $900:00 stimulus package. This brazen cock up , engineered by our recently Anointed Labour (Red, or Democrat)PM

Once again GUNS Menace our Society.

No need to give details of the latest atrocities splattered all over the galaxy news broadcasts. This time it is Germany's turn to shed juvenile blood, closely followed by Unclesamland determined not to be outdone by lesser gun loony nations. Of course 'Lest we forget" the mayhem created by our own product of shame, the one and only patriarch of Gun killing loonies; Martin Bryant, who like many Tasmanians born with two heads accused each other in turn for orchestrating the tazzy massacre of 35 souls. Guns menace our society. The overwhelming majority of gun owners are responsible, respectful members of our community. they take care to register their weapons - note that I said weapons, because killing machines they are and in the hands of loonies we will inevitably continue to switch on to the breakfast time news of further killings. Yet it is natural for there to be widespread concern over the sheer number of guns kept in NSW Australia. For reasons nobody can fully explai

Playing Tricks On Broomsticks.

Vest said... Observing the full moon last night an eerie apparition came into full view - its spine chilling reminder of an old acquaintence in full Salem regalia drinking rum and coke with fag in hand astride a V8 baton swartz with long splayed out tail brush displaying Minnesota rego plates being chased by a barking mad Hairy Dawg. Fearfully I slammed the window shut after projecting my half empty bottle of J D at said apparition and retired to bed in a cold sweat.

Reading Your Speedo's. And it's Great to Know.

No Girls! This does not mean getting a bird's eye view of that hunk wearing his Budgie smugglers. This is serious stuff which could threaten your livelihood and deflate your bank account. It may be an on going sinister plot engineered by the National Road Transport Authority to raise funds to fix that pothole which caused that front ender with the Tele -Pole. If you are a driver of any road vehicle you will inevitably discover your Speedometer inconveniently positioned with lots of other twaddle out of your line of sight below the dashboard. In order to check your speed it is essential you cast your eyes momentarily from the road to under the dashboard, ( This in effect could cause an accident, no excuses; you must keep your eyes on the road). (Catch 22) I have been reliably informed by a person in the motor vehicle repair business that, to install any speed indicating device above the dash board which enables the driver to avoid unnecessary speeding, is considered by the R T A to

WRIGLEY'S CHEWING GUM + An Australian Love Poem.

WRIGLEY'S CHEWING GUM! An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we

Are you Missing Kissing.

Killjoy town bosses in Warrington, Cheshire have banned couples from kissing each other goodbye on the railway station platform – in case shows of affection disrupt departures. But Warrington isn't the only place you could find yourself in trouble if caught puckering up... In Indiana it's illegal for mustached men to "habitually kiss human beings". "I'm not surprised, its in America. In Hartford, Connecticut it's illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sunday and in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, it's a crime to kiss a stranger. Yankee nutters again. But don't let that put you off - here are 15 facts about kissing:- 1. You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss. (It is the reason why fat girls stay fat.) 2. The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.(partners friends children rello's pets and secret lovers). 3. Eskimos, Polynesians and Malaysians rub noses instead of kissing. ( better than the taste of blubber or nasigoreng). 4. Romans ki

NSW Vatican Bishop Pell Mells into Contradiction.

Is anyone else bemused by the OZ faith industry leader Archbishop George Pell's chunterings about climate change? This ecclesiastic crackpot was at it again on sunday, using his newspaper column to repeat his assertion that he's yet to see any scientific evidence that our planet is becoming hotter. Pell like others of his flock of sheep are entitled to their opinions, however, given the nature of his day job, it's kind of hilarious to see this exalted faith industry leader demanding the most rigorous evidential standards for something which most non christian scientists support. It certainly jars with the other creationist stuff that he's prepared to accept - the immaculate conception, for starters, the water into - wine party trick J C used to pull, or the amazing recovery of that Lazarus bloke who, after an extended bout of death, roared back to life to live to a ripe old age. If you admire S-Can stirrers and contrarians, Pell is one geezer you will admire, particular

Lying Foul Mouthed Chef,. A Half-Baked Hero.

CELEBRITY chef Gordon Ramsay has been accused of lying about playing professional soccer to fight his way to the top of the food chain. The foul-mouthed chef allegedly fabricated his much publicised soccer career with top European club Glasgow Rangers, with club officials saying it never happened. The explosive accusation - published yesterday in British newspaper News of the World - comes just months after Ramsay was caught up in a sex scandal, in which it was alleged he had been cheating on wife Tana. Ramsay, 42, has repeatedly bragged about being signed to the top Scottish side as a 16-year-old, saying he played with the team until a knee injury forced him off the pitch and into the kitchen. It is believed he invented the soccer story in 1994 to help launch his first restaurant, London's Aubergine. He has told of playing for the side in countless TV, radio and newspaper interviews since, including on Oz ABC TV's Enough Rope last year. He really is a pathetic individual. He s

Job Of A lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work....Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you wasn't he....Err NO!!!! Sitting in his villa=2 0in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...