Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Joke Time. Add your joke here to compliment this Joke sent by NIGEL in England.

MARRIAGE.

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.__________ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?''Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' __________ A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:'Husband Wanted'.Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:'You can have mine.' __________When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. __________A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .__________A little boy asked his father,'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' __________A young son asked,'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' __________Then there was a woman who said,'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,and by then, it was too late.' __________ Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.__________If you want your spouse to listen andpay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. __________ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.__________First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' __________ 'A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death' __________AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

25 comments:

Vest said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vest said...

Did you hear about the Egyptian girl who was allergic to rubber and became a MUMMY.

Wally said...

Recycling

A guy used a bicycle tyre tube as a condom so he could recycle and go non stop all night

ella said...

Just dont give upon trying what you really want to do. Where their is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong.

Vest said...

Wally: Try being a little more subtle. Wally gets him bum smacked for that crude joke.

Ella: Cracks in relationships is what happens to us while we're making other plans. And in the end it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years.

Anonymous said...

my marriage was a huge joke

i married her coz I cudnt afford paying for it

so I bought the cow
but all I wanted was milk

Anonymous said...

my marriage was a huge joke

i married him coz he had a nice job and a bright future so I tot

I was rong
he lost his job
went into biz
lost his money too

Never marry a man with a bright future

Anonymous said...

is Ella single?
I am now

Anonymous said...

we are incompatible
I am horny all the time
she is not

she has headaches all the time

Anonymous said...

she dreamt of marrying a hunk
but the hunks didnt fancy her

so she married me

Anonymous said...

I am tiny
but i give good head

but I dont get any in return
its 666 all the way
she dont fancy 69

Anonymous said...

on our 25th wedding anniv
I booked a honeymoon suite in a beach side hotel

she made me cancel
we ended up seeing a Woody Allen movie

Anonymous said...

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen



I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen


I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen



I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen


I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen



If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen




In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen



Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen


My one regret in life is that I am not VEST
then I cud have had RM.
Woody Allen

Vest said...

The Ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient only for a herd of cattle.
However, a brief respite from the pain in and around my right eye, selfish as it may seem; is all I live for at this moment.

Anonymous-es: Thankyou for your humorous input. Great stuff.

Everyone have a lovely day.

Jim said...

laffter is the best medicine VEST
laff at Keshis antics

Jim said...

http://blog.onlinesecurityauthority.net/

read it on IUMNUTSINCAPS

Jim said...

read KESHI hurts Maha atma too

Anonymous said...

goodness, beauty, and truth
i will take the second from u

I will take RM

Anonymous said...

Keshi


Writing ought either to be the manufacture of stories for which there is a market demand -- a business as safe and commendable as making soap or breakfast foods -- or it should be an art, which is always a search for something for which there is no market demand, something new and untried, where the values are intrinsic and have nothing to do with standardized values.

More quotes from Willa Sibert Cather
QuoteWorld

Vest said...

Jim: Here is a list of 'Some' of my favourite people past and present.

George Cadbury (philanthropist).

Viscount Nuffield aka William Morris, philanthropist.

Dr Barnardo, Philanthropist.

Vice Admiral George Bowyer(Ushant 1893) my Grt Grt Grt Grt Grt Grt grand father.

Admiral Lord Nelson, the greatest, even though he was a fornicating rat bag.

Albert Einstein. Some might agree he was JC. returned to save us all.
A god like figure.

The present.

ER in doors. My nearest and dearest
Heaven sent, trusting and giving.
And beautiful.

Keshi, A pearl. The irrefutable and unquestionable Keshi, the Goddess of blogging, and more, a breath of fresh air when needed.

Anonymous said...

my favourite guys

Jesus

Ka Kr I cant decide who I love more

MK Gandhi

RM

Vest

Keshi

Vest said...

Anonymous: Any further references to Keshi I suggest you post them on her blog site, Ok.....Of course if they are favourable then that is a different kettle of fish.

Anonymous said...

Keshi loves lollypops

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vest said...

Anon: Told you so!!!.

Goodbye Dear Rosemary. (Final)

      It was around 3 pm Wednesday March 8 That Rosemary returned from 'Day Care', she looked fine and healthy and bubbly and gave ...