Monday, 19 March 2007

Wanna Title thats Posh, Dead easy if youv'e got the Dosh

Labour sperm donors: new lapel pin and ear-tagging for honors recipients
Written by queen mudder and Approved and edited by vest@dailygaggle.com
Story written: 30 December 2006

Email this story Print this story
Gong recipients with personalised badges
London - (Ass Mess): Easy recognition of cash-for-honors gong-winners has been announced today in the form of a lapel pin bearing the ancient heraldic symbol of the asshole rampant. Newly created Life Peers can also choose a personalised form of the badge, for instance the fistful of cash, the Prime Monsterial (tennis) racket or the offshore tax haven slush fund PO Box number emblazoned in brass.A variation on the lapel pin under consideration is the ovine/bovine ear tag with easily accessible bar code that may be worn by local government workers and IT consultants honored for their work on the government's NHS computer.Lord Archer will be offered the option of electronic tagging and this facility may also be something for Lord Levy to sport in the New Year once the Met has completed its bungs-for-honors probe.Also under consideration are elements of the successful pet micro-chipping scheme which could be adapted to warn anti-terror police that Global Piss Process luminaries such as JK Rowling and Cliff Richards are in the vicinity of sensitive UK landmark buildings.Civil servants are to get their own variation on the gongs emblem: the gagged-for-life-sinecure lapel pin showing Lord Levy astride the Sphinx, or a miniature signed copy of the Hutton Report.The swastika remains a popular choice for recipients of House of Mountbatten adulation as does an enlarged diagram of the syphilis microbe, once so popular with Thatcher-era Hellfire Club grandees. The new badge idea seems to be a huge hit already, especially in the MI5 spooky-tricks department where a senior official refused to admit or deny that the latest lapel status symbols contain a SatNav tracking device and automatic bank account scanning facility each time a wearer logs their pin number into an ATM.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious. Well nearly, there's no smoke without fire.
If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
I've got nothing else to do.

27 comments:

lower deck lawyer said...

Can I acquire these gongs in half sizes to suit our prime miniature Wee John Howard , also oversize for Billy Bunter Downer, I refer to the asshole rampant gong superimposed on crossed limp penises. I would like to order a large pink hairy Thatcher suck hole medallion for Amanda Vanstone On her return from her bonking hols in Europe.

Peter D said...

When political ammunition runs low, inevitably the rusty artillery of abuse is wheeled into action.

Vest said...

Oh no!!the not the real dick in bum Peter Debnam the kept under wraps(in case of verbal cockups)leader of the opposition and sod all hope lib premier designate.
Lieut/Commander RAN retired, ex wardroom grunter, famous for such phrases as "I say old chap", "Jolly good show" in his imitated British upper crust strine vernacular.
To watch him fumbling with our rich and delicate English language is like seeing a Sev'res vase in the hands of a chimpanzee.
Vest Daily Gaggle.

Vest said...

Better the assholes we know than elect a coma induced clone of Reagan; who we know allowed the administration slogans to be confused with solutions and rhetoric passed for reality.

Vest said...

comment from Lower Deck Lawyer, via Emai.
Taking a caning are you mate, goes with the job.just keep mod on and reject those that offend. your last comment about the chimp was a scream,. we are all with you mate, avagday Mike.

kate fb said...

golly gosh vesty its hard to believe anyone can be more vindictive. 50 or so filthy comments you say, thats sheer bastardry, keep moderation on, can't make head or tail out of this post except its saucy, see ya xxx

dennis watkins said...

The peculiarities of legal English are often used as a stick to beat the official with. Let all the political words, rules and laws be clear and precise, as to interpret them is almost always to corrupt them.

Vest said...

ldl; yep I found the culprit, all is well at this moment.

Kate: Its supposed to be confusing and amusing.

Dennis W: Language is by its very nature a communal thing; that is, it expresses never the exact thing but a compromise - that which is common to you, me and everybody.

It seems every one has missed the point, that, this post was meant to be satirical.

wally said...

what 52 dodgy comments, didn't see them?

Vest said...

Wally It pleases me that you did not, it prevented corrupting your mind any further than is necessary. They originated from sticksville in Minnesota - US, from the same embittered old witch and her coven of followers who enjoy giving me plenty of stick.
I have give them a large volume of meaningful replies.

stuart harper said...

hello mr vest, I have recently arrived from the United Kingdom and I am a male nurse (not Gay) but excited about the blogging scene in well anyplace but I am intrigued with your posts and knowing your past now I would like to be a regular contributer although I dont want to blog as I won't have much time,see you again soon. stu.

Vest said...

A REPLY TO TWEETY IN AMERICA.

Poor little tweety, if you fell off your perch you would destroy your cage, FATSO.
I keep records too.
Within fifty years you Y-doodles will be surviving on rat stew. Have a lovely day, I am quite a pleasant person, but if persons continue to quote me in a deraogatory manner I will in turn reciprocate dumb dumb. BTW you should install spell check.
Copy to vest daily gaggle.

Vest said...

Stuart: Thank you for calling, call again.

Vest said...

ANOTHER REPLY TO AMERICA:

Hi ts: ow yer going, getting a bit slow on the deletions eh. hows things in dogland, still chasing bow wows on your broom stick.
Don't forget to wear knickers when you kneel down in church tomorrow, last week we could all see what hubby had for breakfast. Timely reminder, Tshsmom Wears size 48xxxl Red flannel bloomers with galvanized gussets.

jethro--kentucky. said...

Sounds like you'd hear Tshs an tweety a coming from six miles down the trail an i caint get on the old biddies blogs to talk to the fat ole hogs.

Vest said...

Hi jethro: Are you the gentleman From Nelson county Kentucky whose first cousins wife is your half sister and her husband your deceased brother. I heard about the problem with sisters inheritance, its a shame she wont latch on to her inheritance til she's thirteen.

stuart harper said...

Hi mr vest,I found a nice club with poker machines as you call them here,sat on next seat was a sweet little thing in LBD who dropped a $5.00 note on the floor. I gave her the money and she replied thanks but i only drop $100.00 notes usually, then she gave me a drop dead look when i told her the most i could manage to pick up if she dropped it was $20.00.
Hey is jethro for real?

Vest said...

Stuart : not sure mate , J could be a joker.
BTW, stick to the pokies and no jiggery poky, some of the sweet young things like the one you mentioned might leave your old feller looking a trifle sour. Thanks for calling again.

Vest said...

Another message to tshsmom in Minnesota Unclesamland: tshsmom: Ok can we call a truce? the last lot of filth I received from you was disgusting, if you still intend to verbally abuse me on a regular basis, kindly use non obscenities, thank you, have a lovely day.

Vest said...

I was not wrong neither were the general public, Peter Debnam failed miserably in his pursuit of the premiers job and is about to get the boot as leader of the opposition from a now thinner deputy dawg Barry O'Farrell AKA Fatty O'Barrel, there were no winners in this phony election, the same bunch of dick heads will continue to stuff up the economy and essential services of the state of NSW.

lower deck lawyer said...

Hey vesty, does this come under Satirical, I think so. As we haven't heard from that dicko Saby from Mumbai, I was hoping it may have been him swinging to eternity.
INDIANS TAKE DEFEAT BADLY.
An indian cricket fan commited suicide while another died of a heart attack after watching their nation teams crushing defeat to Sri Lanka in the World Cop match in the Caribbean.
Upset over India's loss and after having an argument with his wife, 25 year old farmer Mahadeb Sarker hanged himself after the match - in the village of Bajitpur in the Eastern state of West Bengal.His wife sadhana, who was also upset about the defeat,tried to hang herself in another room, but survived.

Vest said...

L D L: In a satirical sense we are able to distance our selves from the reality of the incident, if I didn't know you better Mike; I would be inclined to tell you it was simply - sad han a - non laughable matter for Sad Hana the widow.
My condolences to Sadhana.

john taylor bateau bay said...

Mates who sat on the fence.

US Vice President Richard Cheney spoke about mateship during wartime.
But where was the mateship during the 1914-18 and 1939-45 wars, when America sat on the fence for several years while millions were being killed before they came to help out?
When America invades another country it expects others to come in right away, even if the invasion is based on lies.
If Americans are as good as they make out they are in their war films, I cant see why they need help from anyone.

lower deck lawyer said...

It was dick the prick Cheney's predecessors in govt during those war years who made those decisions, not the American people who elected those draft dodging chicken hawk politicians and the industrialists they toed the line with. We in Australia have our own long line of political draft dodging bastards from Menzies to our Present Prime Miniature and shit in pants Wee little fascist and Bush Knob sucking Prime minister Johnnie fart arse Howard.

wally said...

L d L, wee jonnie don't need any medals with a title you gave to the rat.

Vest said...

J T and L D L: Let us not wax too satirical on the matters of war, There were victories and failures among all the warring nations and I am not pointing the bone at any nation who decides that they have no moral reason to go to war with another nation. any obligatory defence treaties between nations are a totally different matter and should be adhered to. However, the choice of joining a defence partner in an act of aggression should not be mandatory, in the Iraq case we are now aware that it was a scam war for gain.
Military leaders and pollies are not the faceless ones who suffer death and misery for their loved ones, More's the pity the military buffoons don't lead the charge as in yore.
I have a high regard for American military personal, the combatants and the on the field logistical helpers. and I remember their heroic actions both land sea and air, I shall also remember our British Com/wealth Naval forces, who with the American Forces Easter Sunday April 1, 1945, were engaged in the final phase of WW2 and possibly the most horrific period of destruction of lives over a 12 week period, 'Operation Iceberg' the invasion of Okinawa. The ship That I served on was the Third ship to enter Tokyo Aug !945.

JohnBraun said...

nPCCN5 write more, thanks.