Free Beer. No gaudy headstones and a Mr brown Stool clears the Pool.

A Son is offering £7 an hour for someone to take his elderly dad to the pub for a beer.
When great grandad Jack Hammond, 82, had to move into a care home, he found a good local but has no one to go with him for a pint.
So his son, Mike, 56, advertised at the local post office for someone to join the former radar technician at the Compass Inn in Winsor, Hants, twice a week for a few drinks.
He said: "We're looking for someone who can share a conversation. He's not a heavy drinker, it's the company he misses. He's intelligent with physics and maths degrees."


TOO GAUDY
Church tells widow to change husband's headstone because it's too gaudy.
A widow had to change her husband and daughter's headstone after the church said it was gaudy.
Margaret Storey, 75, was told the £2,000 black granite book design with gold letters was the "wrong colour and material, too shiny and out of keeping".
Now she has had it moved to her garden and paid £1,800 for a new grey stone for husband Brian and daughter Janis.
Son Andrew said: "I am disgusted with the way we were treated. I am never going to set foot in the church grounds again."
Margaret had planned to have her funeral there but now isn't sure after the decision by the church committee.
Paul Wilkinson, vicar of at St Peter's in Cheltenham, Glos,England said, the family are welcome at any time.

Pensioners Flee Floater in Pool

Horrified pensioners fled a swimming pool in Manchester England after spotting excrement in the water.
Management at Urmston Leisure Centre removed the unwanted floater then informed swimmers that as it was not Quite as bad as swimming in the sea off Goa in India where turds outnumber swimmers by 25 to one, and as it was not diarrhoea they would not clean the pool, close it or offer a refund to those affected.
Friends Raymond Lockett and Ken Mills, both 71, made the unpleasant discovery this week whilst on their usual Monday afternoon over-40s swim.
Ken said: "I was swimming along when I noticed it on the bottom of the pool and got hold of the attendants. It does turn you off from swimming there. Last time this happened the pool was closed and we feel this should have happened this time.
"We feel it should have been closed down and cleaned properly and at least offered a refund, especially after swimming costs have risen by 100 per cent recently - you expect a bit of cleanliness," Raymond added.
A Trafford Community Leisure Trust spokesperson said: "There was an incident at Urmston Pool regarding solid faeces at around 1.40 in the afternoon. part of the stool in one area of the pool was removed by a member of the public with no consent or knowledge of the lifeguards.
"As soon as the lifeguards were alerted to the issue, the pool was emptied of customers and the remaining stool was removed by the lifeguards, following this a pool test was conducted and showed that the pool was well within the safe parameters.
As such the pool did not need to be closed." and the stool is now being used to nurture the the spring daffodil's in the pool gardens.
And to the perpetrator of this dastardly deed, a Miss Clorina Saltwater 78 said,"We don't swim in your lavatory; so don't Shit in our pool."