Monday, 20 December 2010

Australian Rules at sea, Hello Sailor, Kiss my hardy.

Royal Australian Navy Press Release



Gillard Government Announce 21st Century "Politically Correct" Type 45 Destroyer.



Press Release to coincide with the introduction of the new Type 45 Destroyers.



Details have been released regarding Australia introduction of the next generation of fighting ships.



The Royal Australian Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers.



Costing $750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems,



the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation







They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities.



For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.



Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.



Stress councilors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal



The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Government directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability.



Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!



All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.



Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom



The Royal Australian Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash".



Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.



The lash will still be available but only by request



Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor"



All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille



Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women



The Defence Department is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design,



because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities



The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Auburn Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.



The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal Australian Navy band



Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMAS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission.







It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Timor sea to ports on the West coast.







The Prime Minister said that



"While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation"



Her final words were



"Australia never, never waives the rules!"

4 comments:

WALLY. said...

Ive met my new squeese at the firms Barby on saturday, havent had sex yet, but on a good thing, merry christmas.

Vest said...

Wally: watch out she does'nt squeeze you for your hard earned.

Anonymous said...

Poor England.Not only is the uk suffering through a revival of Australia's cricket fortunes but the nation is currently beset by one of its coldest, snowiest winters ever. Aussies would feel sorrier for rthem if we weren't experiencing a winter snap of our own in the middle of summer.
Australians fleeing the Uk will feel as if they never left.

Vest said...

Anon: After yesterdays cold snap, we are back to normal here 26 or 72 which ever indoors, outside 32 or 84 in the shade.HOTTTTT.

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