Sunday, 23 December 2012

Cor blimey, What a night !

Got back to our castle from the club Via my mates house about 2am, much goings on - still a bit of  swearing and people necking in the shrubbery, the bang clang music still blaring due to the neighbours being away places distant, I slept in the gardener's cottage(Shed) til 0800, was wakened by the visiting family of magpies tucking into several piles of vomit amid the cans bottles a broken glass reminiscent of a Barry Dog's Head Barby and general piss up. The local handyman had been summoned to clean up the chaos and had just returned from the local park after depositing the last three drunks from our back garden. Previously invitations had been sent to people with an option to bring a friend and their own grog and for those who were poor a selection of the cheapest plonk was available from the family cellar. Several half cooked steaks on the Barby being attacked by ants were cut up and fed to a couple of large crows, one of whom had flown off earlier with a condom so I was informed by her indoors who was upset about the demise of her fake Ming vase which we used as a brolly stand, then looking out of the front window after squeezing behind the sofa I trod into a discarded pizza portion when I noticed the front flower beds were in a sorry state and a lone car was parked on our frontage, Our handyman then asked me to  check out our pet enclosure where an old swimming pool housed a 2.5 baby Croc named 'Salty', Salty is quite amicable until you enter his territory , last year we found a football in his enclosure which was covered in blood, we are not sure what happened and no one has been reported missing so far , However today near a pool of blood lay a single shoe which we presumed may have belonged to the owner of the solitary vehicle parked out front.
So it was finally decided to phone the Old Bill. After redialling a Wooden Top answered my call, I told him I want to report a possible murder.
"What do you mean a possible murder is the person deceased or what, and who is the person", "dunno Say's I, Only salty knows the guy in question and he isn't saying anything". "Where are you phoning from says wooden top" I revealed our location and he replied we have two drunk drivers in our cells who say they were at your residence last night" "Be about right" said I.
Ten Minutes later sergeant flatfoot arrived and checked the rego of the vehicle out front with a personalised plate reading SPU TOO. the owner apparently a local SP Bookie...... after DNA Checks it was confirmed it was he the bookie who salty had for a late night snack, now it is left to the bobbies to find out was he pushed or did he jump?.
Back soon, have fun, Vest. Copyright Daily Gaggle.com

23 comments:

Amy .. Swansea. said...

How exciting, is this the norm where you live.. What happened to the MING VASE?

Vest said...

Amy;I was told it was being used for stumps, for a game of indoor 20 twenty,it met its end when one guy was 'Out' Hit Wicket.

Er indoors say's he is a prime candidate for a dinner date with Salty.

WALLY. said...

Vesty, my mum and myself want to know ifthis is fair dinkum or are you pulling a plonker. mum sends her love too.

Jane, Stokes-Honour. said...

Sounds brilliant xxxxxxxxx

Vest said...

Wally: As true as the Abflag tattooed on my face. Wal give your mum a big Christtmas kiss from me.
.....X....))))))

Anonymous said...

The Muttonhead guy on Foxtel who frequently tells his son 'go and get your old man another beer' would he be the Barry dogs balls you mentioned.

Vest said...

Anon: "No, that was Barry Dogshead".

BBC said...

Hum, I had to look up brolly stand.

You know anything about how Daveo is doing?

Vest said...

BBC: Dunno about Davoh. Maybe he tripped over his beard and fell down the stairs, or fell orfis orse.
May have struck pay dirt, and flipped. or maybe he has conked out and hasn't had the good manners to tell us he was going. big mystery ennit!!!!.

Joanne Sanders. said...

A man walks into the Australian Parliament office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent M.P."

The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you
circumcised?''

So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"

She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible"

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied...."To become an Australian M.P. you have to be a complete prick

Vest said...

Joanne: What's the rule for Women MP's?

BBC said...

He looked healthy enough in the camping pictures,

Vest said...

BBC: I have just Emailed Davoh minutes ago, waiting now for his reply.

BBC said...

I emailed him a day or so ago and haven't heard from him.

BBC said...

I hate having to prove I'm not a robot, it's hard on beer drinkers.

Vest said...


Re Davoh: that bewhiskered old buzzard would be any where else but heaven.
Tried Afterlifecommunications.com; they wanted to know if I was related, said "Nah", might have got nailed for his departure expenses.
Maybe he has been incarcerated by the wooden tops for committing a foul deed.
Or could the old rascal be too busy delghting the local damsels with his boudoir skills?

Vest said...

Link: A few minutes ago I contacted Davoh by telephone at his address in NSW AUS. The telephone line crackled and was mostly undecipherable; but learned that he Davoh is still alive and kicking. Heard female voice in background 'Ah ha'.

Happy New Year Davoh.

Vest said...

Vest has left a new comment on the post "am a bit busy":

Gerry; M or F? just guessing.

Dun fink e's a Castrato, too hairy.
Do they make size 15 heels?

Archaic song( possibly Nautiical )

Mussolini's much improved
since he had his things removed,
now all free from sex desire
sings soprano in the choir.

There is a ruder version !!

Davoh said...

Ah, the mystery. let yer imaginations full reign.

Davoh. said...

Hey Vesty,

Am now fascinated. Please be assured that i DO have "real life" friends in the local vicinity who bang on the door if closed, or walk in and out if open.

Am now thinking about whether should trust, and give one of them access to the password to Womby's drivel. Obviously, if i do happen to 'kark it' it won't come from the 'horses mouth', so to speak.

Vesty, am not, and never have been, part of "the military" where they "look after their own". yes, am fascinated that you should care enough to contact me by copperwire.
Gerry lives about 100K away, and also knows my copper-wire phone number. He sent me two simple emails - paraphrasing (1) are you ok (2) talk to me - so i did.

Phone answered by live-in female "hello, is Gerry there?
"yes, will just get him",
"hello",
"you told me to talk to you",
"who's calling?" (he knew; had had several vocal 'discussions' with him at least twelve months ago, eventually told me to fuck off and never speak to him again. So didn't.

.. but we had a bittuva chat. Apparently he, same as me, doesn't like "chatting" when his mind is not clear about the "objectives".


Everything is a long story Les

My best wishes to you, and family, for this - and many years to come.

Davoh. said...

GRRRR
No-ones
up my ass.
Can still sing
Bass.

River said...

Your Barbie was a little different from what my family does :o

Vest said...

River. It required a big slice of imagination to come up with that yarn.

Goodbye Dear Rosemary. (Final)

      It was around 3 pm Wednesday March 8 That Rosemary returned from 'Day Care', she looked fine and healthy and bubbly and gave ...