Wednesday, 30 November 2011

A Father Dilemma.

Or a Mother of a problem.

Forward into the future people world wide with the exception of those bogged down with archaic religious problems may find themselves celebrating  'Parent 1 Day' instead of 'Fathers or Mothers day'.
That seems to be the logic of present moves to include 'parent 1 and parent 2 in Australian passports' seen as a means of accommodating the descriptive means of same sex couples.
Could be problems there, who gets to decide which parent is assigned each number, could parent 2 even be the victim of numerical  discrimination. Perhaps same sex applications could list both parents as fathers or mothers. Problem solved.
Are you a Quitter.
Whether you are an ABC music quiz show or parliament speaker, quitting can leave on lookers with a  disappointed, bereft sensation. Just keep doing the job for ever and ever so we can feel secure and comfortable. However if you really really must quit try very hard not to release an album  of love songs in time for Yuletide.

I Shall be renewing my Oz passport next week time permitting,. Nearest and dearest (Fem) Rosemary will have a separate  passport.

Back soon..... Vest.

Extra.........Dec 1...A cool and wet start to the NSW summer today tiddling down, outside temp 14 Cel. cool southerly wind from Antarctica. Can't complain - yesterday was boiling hot.

Elton John's HUSBAND David Furnish, has had to leave Australia for emergency medical treatment in Los Angeles while the singer is mid tour in Australia. Hope He and Her have separate passports.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Check your shopping receipts before you leave the shop.

 Even if you are paying in cash, but mandatory when using any card system.

The big retailers particularly the supermarkets do not automatically hand you a receipt anymore if the sale is under $30. you must ask for it…
CHECK YOUR RECEIPTS BEFORE LEAVING THE CHECK-OUT

An associate bought a heap of stuff the other day while on holidaying in Melbourne (over $450), & when he glanced at his receipt as the cashier was handing him the bags. He saw cash out of $20.

He told her He didn't request any cash and to delete it. She said he'd have to take the $20 because she couldn't delete it.

He told Her to call a supervisor. Supervisor came and said he'd have to take it.. he said “NO Bloody way!”

Because taking the $20 would be a “cash advance” against his Credit card and he wasn't paying interest on a cash advance!!!!!

If they couldn't delete it then they would have to delete the whole order.

So the supervisor had the cashier delete the whole order and re-scan everything!

The second time he looked at the electronic pad before he pinned in his number and again cash-back of $20 popped.

At that point he told the cashier and she deleted it. The total then came out right.

The cashier said that the Electronic Pad must be defective. Obviously the cashier knew the electronic pad was defective because she NEVER offered him any cash after either of the transactions.

Can you imagine how many people went through before him and by the end of her shift how much money she pocketed?

His wife went into a “Coles Supermarket ” last week. She had her items rung up by the cashier. The cashier hurried her
along and didn't give her a receipt. She asked the cashier for the receipt and the cashier seemed annoyed but gave it to her.

She didn't look at her receipt until later that night when back at their Hotel. The receipt showed that she had asked for $20 cash. SHE DID NOT ASK FOR ANY CASH, NOR WAS SHE GIVEN IT!

So she called “Coles” Supermarket  who investigated but could not see the cashier pocket the money.

When she spoke with a friend who works for one of the banks; she was told that this was a “new scam” and the cashiers carry out the scam when it is very busy so that people either don't ask for their receipts or don't look at them until they have left the store and most of the time they don't check it until they get home.

The cashier will key in that you asked for cash and then hand it to one of her friends when they next come through the check-out queue.

This is NOT limited to Coles; they are just one of the largest retailers so have the most incidents.

I wonder how many "seniors" have been, or will be, "stung" by this one?????

To make matters worse .... THIS SCAM CAN BE DONE ANYWHERE, AT ANY RETAIL OR WHOLESALE LOCATION!!!

IT COULD HAPPEN ANYWHERE. CHECK YOUR RECEIPT BEFORE LEAVING THE CHECK-OUT. ........

..CHECK YOUR RECEIPT!!!!!.

I've since seen people do just that….. SO NOW I'LL START!

PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, KIDS, - let’s not get ripped off.

Sent in from Graeme P, our bean counter.

BTW,. Anyone having experienced this phenomenon may post their comment here.
Naming and shaming will  change the receipt system.

The time is always right to do what is right....Vest. Back soon.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Sleazebag Golfers make me cringe. plus Sex for the Aged.

        Suckhole journo's heaping gushing praise on those wealthy international oversexed  golfing creeps like "Victorious Shark has crack at Tiger" what a load of bollocks and gobbledygook. If I had my way Huge golf courses would be used for growing spuds for export to starving nations. should my number three and four son's rebuke me for this outburst; too bad.

      Colonel Gaddafi's son Seif al - Islam will receive a Fair Trial (ha ha) following his capture yesterday.
This will be followed by a swift lopping of his nogging by Scimitar shortly after.

       The sex lives of pensioners or aged persons have a significant impact on their marital satisfaction and general happiness. A study of a large range of over 65's found 60% had sex more than once a month and were happy compared to only 40% who had not had sex for a year. About 80% who had sex more than once a month said they were very happy in their relationships.
Highlighting the relation ship between sex and happiness will help us in developing and organising specific sexual health interventions for this growing segment of our population.

      Are you trying to remember something like when was the last time you had a rumble and tumble in the boudoir, or the name of the person you met way back or the fresh bit of stuff in the club you tangled with in your halcyon days? stop where you are and do not leave the room. Walking through a doorway causes 'memory lapses' leading to people forgetting what they were about to do. Entering or leaving via a doorway serves as an 'event boundary' in the mind. Stay where you are sit down and relax, it will give you greater access to your mind. this unfortunately applies only to those who haven't already lost their marbles and beyond. I suspect a few of my regular bloggers have already entered this stage, however, hope springs eternal.

       Cease trying to work  everything out with your minds, it will get you nowhere.
Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be a revelation.
Have a wonderful working week.

Back later ...Vest.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

You must be joking "How many Battleships"?

The Daily Telegraph -  my favourite newspaper delivered daily to my door, has always had a stack of editing problems.
Today we have their so called history writer Ann Beveridge bashing out yet another saga about the sinking of the Royal Australian Navy light Cruiser The HMAS Sydney. It would seem every year this mysterious wartime occurrence is churned out, so if by chance this story has passed you by , this can be seen on line on the Sat edition of the Daily Telegraph  Nov 19. 2011.
Today this story Starts: ... THE Australian Battleship the HMAS Sydney sank 70 years ago to day on November 19, 1941.  No need to repeat what happened every man jack has heard this story umpteen times , it's enough for jolly jack to ditch his Tot.
History writers like in this case should checkout the facts before confusing the public.
A Battleship it was not, The HMAS Sydney was a light cruiser as in a type of  WARSHIP .
Warships come in many categories shapes and sizes, Starting from the larger Battleship, heavy cruiser, light cruiser,  destroyer, frigate. etc. Aircraft carriers are warships so are Submarines; its hardly likely one  would refer to a submarine  as a battle ship so why call a light cruiser a battleship.

The following incident happened in 2001? ...Excerpt from my memoirs follows.






A short time ago, I saw an article in a local newspaper that said eight

battleships were sunk during the Battle of Darwin. Knowing this to be

grossly incorrect, I sent them a fax informing them that this was

impossible because there were no battleships at the Battle of Darwin. I

also mentioned that, in fact, only five British battleships were sunk

during the entire course of the war, and named them all. The newspaper

printed my comments, which also mentioned the KGV association and

my telephone number in case anyone had any questions.

Consequently, I received a number of calls about this, one from a man

informing me that two more battleships were sunk in Alexandria

harbour in Egypt. I told him they had only rested on the bottom. He said,

.So did all the others!. The truth was that after being holed by limpet

mines placed by the enemy and because Alexandria.s harbour was so

shallow, they could go down only a couple of fathoms or so. These ships

. the HMS Queen Elizabeth and HMS Valiant, both with 15-inch guns

and of 31,000 tons . were seaworthy within a few days. In addition, for

the benefit of the sceptics, it must be pointed out that during the same

era, RMS Queen Elizabeth a Liner that weighed over 80,000 tons was also

in service.

I also received an apoligy for the mistake in reference to the eight Miscellaneous types of warships  sunk at Darwin, which should not have been called Battleships.

Just might slip this in about 'Flagships'.  A flagship is not which most people think it is, that is the biggest and best..
The fact is:  A flag ship can be as of many variables in size and function, even a rowing boat.
The provisio is the same, It must be carrying a 'Flag Officer. Such as an Admiral or Commodore.
The Rear Admirals Flag is white with a red St georges cross
 with two red balls, one in both left cantons, The Vice Admiral flag has only one red ball in the top left canton of his flag, the Full Admirals flag has no balls at all.

Time for my tot, so..."Up Spirits..... Standfast the holy ghost."

Vest back soon.

Question: Which British Admiral was referred to as "OLD GROG".









The

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

From Vest, In reply to my recent critics.

       Being an Orphan without monetary advantage and with minimal, or better put - inadequate education, and the possibility of a higher education out of reach, the struggle to learn becomes one's own responsibility.
I have only my tutors to blame for any ignorance on my part; and any semblance of intelligence I should be held accountable for.
       I was not a philological prodigy. I lacked that uncanny gift which some people have for language structure which seems akin to a gift for music or calculation. I never became concerned with the metaphysical aspects of language.( I am not interested in Chomsky.That places me.) And I never thought of myself as a 'writer' or though I have tried to become one. I do have the opinion I am a fairly good plodder With an aptitude for grammar when necessary and a love of words understood by the masses.
      Few so called writers have the same abilities each have their own style if not each story would be boring.
      Each story or letter has its own subject matter usually only known to the writer and its objectivity too is important, far  more so if the writer has first hand knowledge of the place or happening. Travel worldwide has broadened my  knowledge giving me more insight to the matter which has to unfold.
     Geoffrey Chaucer was an uneducated buffoon but a great story teller who couldn't spell also I am reliably informed. Bill Shakespeare used hack writers and present day journalists prefabricate or embellish their jargon infested  information in the press and most are implicit one way or another in order to get their story to the public true or false.
     So it would seem the only way to escape misrepresentation is never to commit oneself to any critical judgement that makes an impact - that is, never say anything.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Brits Love Aussieland. The Nation of vegetables. Plus Cricket.

Those lovely British people love Australia, despite the Aussies  desire to become Crickets all time losers. It could be the time again to import a few foreign players by giving a few well paid ball belters a temporary or Keppler Wessells type citizenship.  Retraining depleted and worn mouth wallers such as Andrew  M could solve the wicket keeping crises ( providing he could be fitted with a pair of mouth gloves.
However, the British people still love this sun burnt country and like myself have voted it the best place on Earth to live or just visit.
Australia finished on top place  ahead of Spain and Italy and America was the poor loser.
Tourism  from the U/K was worth $2 Billion a year.
Again However, I have a sneaky feeling most of the money coming in is from Brit pensions being paid to expat Brits living here. At least 30% of my retirement income is sourced from Great Britain.

Most Australians cannot recognise every day vegetables. It could be a nutritionists nightmare. Most adults have know idea what a turnip is let alone a Swede  which was recently spelt Sweed at a  Cole's Supermarket,  Most get in a pickle over naming of vegetables. Quite often at a checkout we are asked by the Check out person "what is or are they'' when bought loose. Prepacks save their brain power.
Most have never heard of an oriental radish (I have had partial success growing them in my garden)
Oriental radishes taste is similar to a turnip, that grow to a length of approx 40 cm and 40 mm circumference. when asked "what are they" by the mature lady at the  checkout; I replied " Oriental radishes" she then says's "Big aren't they". I reply " They sure are; I wish I could get mine to grow as big as them. What followed shall not be mentioned here, but it was downright embarrassing.

Have a rewarding week... back soon ... Vest

Friday, 11 November 2011

Beer Belly Bandit bogged down in Bathroom Window

      The Lakesides burglar who we will call beer belly Bill was caught red handed by a guy  we will call Fred who saw him jammed in his neighbours bathroom window late at night.
Fred's neighbour we will call Alan was contacted by phone at a local club  and minutes later Fred and Alan assessed the situation and it seems the struggling burglar was jammed in the tight fitting window simply because the push up window lever with hole's for varied degrees of opening had come loose and the spoke on the ledge had jammed into his belt buckle.
Beer belly Bills plaintive pleas for help were mingled with the pain he was feeling, he had kicked away the bin which had assisted his entry of  Alan's bathroom window where he was now firmly jammed.
Alan then proceeded to photograph both ends of this writhing monster who was now saying sorry and pleading with Alan not to call the cops, Fred then found Bills wallet and  Alan photocopied his details also extracted the only forty odd dollars which he said was for any repairs to the window, Bill whined about it being all he had, Alan tells him then he won't be getting pissed for a while then.
After cautioning Bill the Burglar that any further activity like this the police would be informed, Fred cut Bills belt around his strides then with a big heave  Bill the burglar fell from the window banging his head as he went six feet down in a crumpled heap, his words before he shuffled off down the road were 'Thanks Fellas".
The following afternoon Alan who was aware of Big bad Bills address knocked at his door when Bill was away and gave his down trodden spouse the forty dollars plus then made it up to $100 telling her to hide it or buy something useful for yourself.
Bill has been barred from the local pub and clubs.

This story  is true, only the names are fictitious. ....Vest

Cricket Test. Australia "ALL OUT for 47".

Last Man in Hits highest score on Debut,... Ducks Galore....But keep calm . this is no reason to commit suicide, the game is not yet over.
Aussie fans 'Have a nice day '.... Vest.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

THE CURRY CONTEST.


CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's absolutely no hope for you. I was crying by the end.


Note:
Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal , you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.


Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America .

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY....

Judge # 1
-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2
-- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3
(Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1
-- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2
-- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3
-- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer When they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1
-- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2
-- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3
-- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1
-- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2
-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3
-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1
-- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2
-- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3
-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1
-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2
-- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3
-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1
-- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2
-- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3
-- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1
-- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2
-- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3
- No Report.


Saturday, 5 November 2011

200,000 Oriental troops storm the beaches of Sydney.

The year Ad 2001.  November 5, WW3  started. Nearly a quarter of a million Oriental troops landed on the Sydney beaches in an attempt to overthrow the Australian Govt and suppress its people and colonise the land.
On the same day in Europe (Guy Fawlkes Day). North European forces landed  1 million troops on the South coast of  England in order to install a Salami culture and destroy England's 'Black Pudding Industry' which had flooded the supermarket shelves on the European Continent.
After several months of conflict on both fronts the Oriental forces decided to give up and retire due to the shortage of dim sims and soy sauce and the resolute defence of the Strayans, and the invaders of England were suffering from ingesting too much Yorkshire pudding and a shortage of vodka.
Many sad tales of these warring incidents have been recounted over the past decade, and so to revive old memories, delegations from the former invading countries, meaning people led by fat cat politicians and travel agents wishing to bring in tourists and aging former combatants to recall their former glory. However the Aussies and the Brits have decided that, this is not on and have built  roads and walls along their beaches to prevent this happening, the walls from Bondi to Palm beach are daubed with signs :"SLOPE'S GO HOME" and in England where  graffiti is not allowed due to a policy of public flogging, people are carrying banners, some saying "Suck off home Ivan"and other rude slogans which cannot be mentioned on this blog.

A similar harangue unfolded in yesterdays press About a wall being built along so called 'Anzac Cove'
along a beach head at Gallipoli in Turkey  Asia Minor, where  in the year of 1915 hundreds of thousands of Turkish servicemen died protecting their homeland from the invading British and Commonwealth troops who eventually gave up their cause and used some commonsense and went home minus about 50,000 dead and twice as many injured.
I realise the importance of this conflict to many Australians regarding their deceased relatives.
However spare a thought for the Turks who fought off invaders who didn't want any part of that war on either side.
I personally find it offensive for some Australians to believe it is their God given right to oppose any changes in the infrastructure of facilities for tourists  at Gallipoli, it is none of their business to interfere on the behalf of money hungry tour operators and seemingly a host of drunken antipodean tourists who leave their rubbish where ever they go.
Whether it be for the tourist dollar or not, I feel certain Australians and Brits would not be so condescending as the Turkish people have been in tolerating former enemies to trample and trash their land.
istanbul tours

Have A peaceful day and may your God be with you.... Back later Vest.


1.. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'


6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.


8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'


12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'


13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'


15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17... So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it...'


18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'


23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
As it is a miserable looking day outside this may have brought a smile to your face  while I prepare you for my next controversial post coming soon.....back soon... Vest.