Post No 588.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British
issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the
French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military
Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.
Meanwhile...The Worldwide Gay Communities will stay neutral and avoid losing face on Face book by introducing the Bum and Suck Manual.
New Zealand (NuZillend)has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats
in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Four more escalation levels
remain, The 'Fat Tuesday Madi gra's will will gaily march on Anzac day to boost dwindling numbers, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.