Saturday, 28 November 2009

An excerpt from 'Waving goodbye to a thousand flies". Re Bruce.

Everyone suddenly is interested in Bruce and his legendry activities. Re comments on previous post.
Here goes:

Bruce.
Another good-looking, thirty-something lady who had employed us
for many years was always eager to give me a compliment. During one
visit, she asked me to go to the bathroom with her. She looked rather
flushed at the time. I thought it might be a plumbing problem. She shut
the door and started to undo my zipper. She said, “I know you like me.
It’ll only take a few minutes.” I was quite unprepared for this, knowing
my son was outside.
“Not right now, for Pete’s sake!” I said, zipping up my strides. She
kissed me and told me she was disappointed. Shortly afterwards, when
the amorous wench was still feeling a bit put out by my rejection, she
asked if I would get someone to do her windows on Saturday morning. I told her that on Saturday morning, her wish would come true. On Saturday morning, I
sent around a much younger bloke to do the job. Bruce, whose
knowledge of women was legendry, told me later he was pleased to get
the extra work and that if any more work of this nature came about in the
future, he would be quite happy to take it on, even if it meant working
nights or on Sundays. The young lady later told me that she thought of
me while she was having her windows cleaned on Saturday, and would I
arrange for the job to be done more often. I told her that the reason I
hadn’t joined her in her desire for fulfilment was because I was suffering
from a contracted dose of monogamy. I also told the dear lady that she
was a very desirable woman and it would have undoubtedly ended on a
satisfactory note. She hoped that what I was suffering from wasn’t
terminal and wished me a speedy recovery.
There was also another lady from Winston hills who was a genius in
the art of perpetual conversation. Only stopping when totally exhausted,
she would then lower her head, take a deep breath, and start again. After
a few visits, we gave this job away to my friend, Bruce, who later told me
in secrecy how he got her to stop talking for a little while.

One morning, we arrived at a female lawyers residence. The
lady had visitors, namely the police, council inspectors, and an irate
neighbour. Apparently, the neighbours illegally erected back fence had
been destroyed when the female legal eagle had wielded a chain saw in a
fit of rage. A few days later this thirty something lady told me in strict
confidence that she was looking for someone about her age who was
strong and fit and able to be on call at short notice to clean the pool, do a
bit of gardening and do the other things previously undertaken by her ex
husband. This lady was quite attractive I thought, but the chainsaw thing
was worrying, and Mary my dear wife would wonder what the ex
husbands other duties were. After a while she said, “If you cant do it
there is a fifty dollar bonus in it; if you find the right guy.
Bruce one of our standby workers answered the needs of the chainsaw lady. MS
Chainsaw paid the fifty bucks when I called next to her place to check that the cleaners had done the job ok. The chainsaw lady told me not to go in the end room as Bruce was still asleep and recovering.
Bruce later thanked me with a twenty-dollar bill for getting him the job.

I must also mention the dance teacher, who was wearing shorts when
she decided to show me her sons school photos. I was sitting on a chair
drinking the coffee she had made for me when she joined me on the
chair. Moments later, she was wriggling a fair bit and said, “You got my
message pretty quick, lover boy. "Absolutely" I replied, "You are sitting on my mobile phone".
Those cell phones in the eighties were huge. like bricks or should I spell Bricks with a 'P'.
There are other Bruce stories but this will be all for now. VEST DAILY GAGGLE.

6 comments:

Vest said...

After all my efforts, no one seems interested in Bruce or future episodes of Bruce. A veil of modesty descends upon my readers, or was it something you have missed out on, like uncompromising union with the opposite gender and magical moments in the boudoir?
For those Weak Knees who missed out - my condolences and for the Bruce's of our world who brought joy to the world without it being Christmas - "Well done"

lower deck lawyer said...

Vesty. The rules of engagement preventing any activities by persons which are apposed to the moral law makers of the time, are the catalyst for those seeking the opposite pleasurable joys of the flesh.
laws probably made by a disgruntled few in authority who had little hope of enjoying the activities they jealously prevented. Mike.

Vest said...

L D L:

It must be done 'Now', for in heaven it will not be allowed.

Gordon the baker. said...

Yep , that Bruce bloke certainly got his onions, I believe Zac has your book from years ago when I lent it to him.

Kate... fb. said...

Hi Vesty, I remember reading about bruce way back I wonder where he could be now? hoping you are well -luvs ya kate xxx.

Amy from Swansea. said...

Kate, if you find him, Bruce that is, send him on to me, I'm in dire need.

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