Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Vest is Back and will be posting soon.

I returned from the land of hope and glory 24 hours ago. I shall be resting awhile due to the lack of sleep. Will be back soon.

4 comments:

Beach Bum said...

Looking forward to reading your posts. Been lurking in the background for awhile.

Frank Cook said...

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.



'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.



'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yes she’s very helpful and we help each other, but none of us could get the jar open.'

Frank Cook. said...

Swine Flu Update

I called the Swine Flu hotline … all I got was crackling.

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trots.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Feeling bored on the bus, train or Underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...

Wife runs out of petrol and phones husband ... 'I'm scared to fill up she says 'cos of this swine flu.'
He says, 'you daft woman it's in Mexico not Texaco.'

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're coming back, is it ?

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

A lion, a bear, and a pig are sitting around discussing how great they are.
The lion says when I roar the whole jungle shakes.
The bear says when I roar the whole forest trembles.
So what, says the pig, all I have to do is sneeze and the whole world shits itself!

Anonymous said...

I'm newbie here, I hope to get friends at this forum