Wednesday, 25 June 2008

LADIES PUBLIC LOOS, Please, no comments from Asian loo users.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance. In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this. As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck? This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door. This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately. Send this to all women that need a good laugh. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Posted by ROSEMARY.......... Vest is too busy today.


Was very busy. He arose from slumber at 0935 had a breakfast of large glass of water, two slices of toast plus two eggs and baked beans. shortly after sought out the toilet in a hurry then washed his hands - showered and dressed to go out.
Vest left in 'Henry' the falcon wagon for the garage and shops at 11 32 and he said he would be out a fair time to complete his several tasks. which are posted below.
Called into Garage(Service Station) for registration check on vehicle, Which included a road test plus brake and visual test of car for damage in need of repair. then the front wipers were renewed plus the multi purpose fan belt.
During this activity he went shopping calling back to the garage to place our groceries in unattended car - when the garage guy charged him $104. According to vest it was cheap speedy and done proficiently.
Vest arrived home in Henry the Falcon at 1216.

This 81 year old bloke was busy for at least 44 minutes which would take an 18 year old half the day.
He told me as it was such a beautiful day he had to get back home to tell me he loved me, the silly old bugger, luvs ya too vesty.......Rosemary.

10 comments:

Keshi said...

I hate public toilets!

I've read this one before :)

And ty so much for the bday wishes Vesty. MWAHHHHHHHHHH!

Keshi.

Vest said...

Keshi: "Happy Birthday" XXX.

There are interesting comments relating to Public Loos- both Asian and western at the bottom of the last post.

Anonymous said...

Rose Maryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

that was such a hilarious post
but the subject stinks

I was hoping u wud put up a romantic post

and tell of your extra marital ....
while the bloke was snoring to glory

may I call u Rose
and him thorn ?

Rosemary said...

Rude anonymous rat. I am so happy that you thought my post was hillarious, but how dare you suggest my hubby stinks, he showers more often than [Tiny Tim with the violin].
How dare you suggest I satisfy your insane lust with an extra marital story, just 'Watch it Bozo' simply because your mother was a Whore doesen't mean all mothers are.
Should you feel offended, dont tell me or I shall lay it on thick with a trowel next time.

amy...swansea said...

Ooh! Strong words Rosemary.
I wonder will that guy ever stop insulting people, he I presume he is a he or a he - haw, seems immune to criticism.

sally mendoza said...

Im sure i know the moron you mention. he's no donkey more like wee willie winkle

gordon said...

It would appear that the Anonymous monster marauding our memo's has HARDly anything out STANDing to POKE from his drivel dribling DROOPER.
Funny little feller
wears his sisters clothes
I dunno wot to call im
as I fink e's won ov those.

poem by ZAC

Anonymous said...

Silly Rm
when i said subject
i meant the subject of your post LOOs

I am apalled to learn that VEST stinks too

Anonymous said...

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Sally
u saw my wee willie winkle?

when?
disrobe

i cant recognize u with your clothes on

Anonymous said...

u must excuse Gordon
he is a lil weak in the head



not true really
he is a lott