Sunday, 13 April 2008

Free Beer. No gaudy headstones and a Mr brown Stool clears the Pool.

A Son is offering £7 an hour for someone to take his elderly dad to the pub for a beer.
When great grandad Jack Hammond, 82, had to move into a care home, he found a good local but has no one to go with him for a pint.
So his son, Mike, 56, advertised at the local post office for someone to join the former radar technician at the Compass Inn in Winsor, Hants, twice a week for a few drinks.
He said: "We're looking for someone who can share a conversation. He's not a heavy drinker, it's the company he misses. He's intelligent with physics and maths degrees."


TOO GAUDY
Church tells widow to change husband's headstone because it's too gaudy.
A widow had to change her husband and daughter's headstone after the church said it was gaudy.
Margaret Storey, 75, was told the £2,000 black granite book design with gold letters was the "wrong colour and material, too shiny and out of keeping".
Now she has had it moved to her garden and paid £1,800 for a new grey stone for husband Brian and daughter Janis.
Son Andrew said: "I am disgusted with the way we were treated. I am never going to set foot in the church grounds again."
Margaret had planned to have her funeral there but now isn't sure after the decision by the church committee.
Paul Wilkinson, vicar of at St Peter's in Cheltenham, Glos,England said, the family are welcome at any time.

Pensioners Flee Floater in Pool

Horrified pensioners fled a swimming pool in Manchester England after spotting excrement in the water.
Management at Urmston Leisure Centre removed the unwanted floater then informed swimmers that as it was not Quite as bad as swimming in the sea off Goa in India where turds outnumber swimmers by 25 to one, and as it was not diarrhoea they would not clean the pool, close it or offer a refund to those affected.
Friends Raymond Lockett and Ken Mills, both 71, made the unpleasant discovery this week whilst on their usual Monday afternoon over-40s swim.
Ken said: "I was swimming along when I noticed it on the bottom of the pool and got hold of the attendants. It does turn you off from swimming there. Last time this happened the pool was closed and we feel this should have happened this time.
"We feel it should have been closed down and cleaned properly and at least offered a refund, especially after swimming costs have risen by 100 per cent recently - you expect a bit of cleanliness," Raymond added.
A Trafford Community Leisure Trust spokesperson said: "There was an incident at Urmston Pool regarding solid faeces at around 1.40 in the afternoon. part of the stool in one area of the pool was removed by a member of the public with no consent or knowledge of the lifeguards.
"As soon as the lifeguards were alerted to the issue, the pool was emptied of customers and the remaining stool was removed by the lifeguards, following this a pool test was conducted and showed that the pool was well within the safe parameters.
As such the pool did not need to be closed." and the stool is now being used to nurture the the spring daffodil's in the pool gardens.
And to the perpetrator of this dastardly deed, a Miss Clorina Saltwater 78 said,"We don't swim in your lavatory; so don't Shit in our pool."


8 comments:

Vest said...

Advertising in a local post office?, lucky there, as half the post offices in the UK have closed due to lack of patronage, mainly due to the scourge of E Mail.


Below my epitaph will be inscribed my website for access to my Memoirs. I shall be interred in the C OF E sector of the local boneyard at the wish of relatives. Personaly I am not too concerned provided it keeps everyone happy.

I recall in the 60's. Hayling Island Beach near Portsmouth England was the cause for the Portsmouth Evening news to quote that awful word 'SHIT' in the paper for the first time ever.
High temperatures had people flocking to the beach(our family too). Unfortunately the local council sewerage ocean outfall dept were not attuned to this meteorological phenomena, an irate reader (Vest) appalled at a councillor describing it as effluent told him bluntly it was a lump of shit that I was confronted with; not effluent.

Anonymous said...

snail mail run by Indian Posts and Telegraphs department has become obsolete in India too

private courier companies abound
when u want to send parcels

digital communication is by mobiles and emails and messenger

Anonymous said...

it was not Quite as bad as swimming in the sea off Goa in India where turds outnumber swimmers by 25 to one,


HAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

when we say turds in Goa
we mean white skinned folks who go to shit with toilet paper


no water

tqmcintl said...

Hotmail was started by Sabeer Bhatia an IIT grad for NRI Indians to communicate with their folks in India cheaply

he was bought out by Bill Gates for millions

Now the sonovagun is enjoying the good life
he is always seen with the sexiest girls (not less than 3 everytime) in tow

Aggie, RM

Sabeer Bhatia is a bachelor

Anonymous said...

Yep, so a house gets BROKEN into, it becomes BREAKING news in the family

Anonymous said...

I introduced u to kaylee


have u met VEST?
he is an 80 yo young guy

joined the Royal Navy in his teens
bcoz his folks cudnt afford to send him to college

he survived WWII
without a scratch

broke his head while climbing down the stairs in his home
had to be stitched up
now he suffers from migraine

when Rosemary, his wife gets horny and makes the gestures
he says Sorry hunny
i got a headache

but when a sweet young thing walks in
his headache vanishes

meet VEST here http://www.dailygaggle.com

amy...swansea said...

Stool, excrement, poo.shit, and effluent and of course turds and fertilser, its surprising how many titles ones number two can claim, then there is muck and dung, never stops does it, surely there must be more.

Goodbye Dear Rosemary. (Final)

      It was around 3 pm Wednesday March 8 That Rosemary returned from 'Day Care', she looked fine and healthy and bubbly and gave ...