Sunday, 16 March 2008

UK Man arrested for having 'SEX with a Lamp-post'


UK Man arrested for having 'SEX with a Lamp-post'
Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'You may recall my previous post 'Man has Sex with Bicycle'. This horn bag has been duly sentenced (*). We now have another goof having it off with a Vacuum Cleaner, bringing the (dare I say it) the blow job to a different delightful dimension. Having considered the cons of this practice, it would be advisable not to try this in your own home without immediate access to the Off Switch.A 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post.Worker caught having sex with Henry Hoover(*)Man who had sex with bicycle sentenced The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects.The incident was witnessed by childrenA police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the U K town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women".When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.The man was released on bail, but following an investigation into the incident and several interviews with witnesses - including children - he was recalled for questioning. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries.The Wiltshire police spokesman said: "We are awaiting a decision as to whether there should be a prosecution".The incident echoes a similar case last week when a Polish contractor was caught on his knees with a vacuum cleaner in a hospital staff canteen.A security guard walked in on the man in the middle of a compromising act with the Henry Hoover appliance. He later claimed he was cleaning his underpants. He has now been fired.Last year, Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. (read my previous post)The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down when two cleaners walked in on him at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland.He paused only to ask, "What is it, then?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".In 1993, Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs.I pause to wonder, "How many different inanimate objects could be available to insatiable sexual deviates; lying around unnoticed by normal people""Has any person reading this, ever had an exciting sexual interlude with a inanimate amoral object? Or are there objects lying around un-noticed that could be construed to be objects Amour."This may raise a few eyebrows, but you have the option of anonymity. or you may Email me.

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have had sex with my pillow

Anonymous said...

some women orgasm when they see 100 comments on their blog

Anonymous said...

VEST orgasms by writing such posts

Jim said...

if u want your head ache to go
get down on your knees and pray

today is Palm Sunday
your prayers will be answered

Jim said...

Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don't know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I'm pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when he's touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you're a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It's ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It's the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

amy..swansea said...

Dear vestie, you know you don't have to lower your self to partake of non human sex. because if you did I would personally rescue you.
Goddammit!! now you know I fancy you. xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Goshh Vest
what is Amy saying?

i hope RM did not hear

Anonymous said...

**35yr old male...looking for a pretty girl 25yrs or younger... ...

What he's really saying: If you're a girl above 25, your sexual organs don't work so don't even think about replying

Question: What's the story there ha? Are women over 25yr old not worthy of a relationship?

Men are constantly looking for 'younger' women when they themselves are getting old and they don't even realise their jocks are slowly shrinking along with their ass and brains

kate...fb said...

Jim your last comment was great, very illuminating,
I see vest Quite often and we dont discuss sex but I can tell you from my own observations that he fancies me, which in turn boosts my ego. I really cant think how men can lower them selves to those things. my dog used to bonk my ex boy friends leg.

wally said...

I dunno about men having off with metal things like bikes and vacuem cleaners, havent you heard about dildos, bananas zuchinis and lots of rubber things for women you see in mens girly mags
I had a olderwomam months back but I rely on miss fist all the time now.

Anonymous said...

Kate
that was keshis writing on her blog
VEST has the hottz for keshi

she is only 23

Anonymous said...

how do u no he fancies u?
pistol in his pocket?

tqmcintl said...

I been google searching for infrared sensor

i found dis

point this on her crotch
it will tell u if she has the hottz for u

Anonymous said...

Kate
u will find Keshi


here

and if u r not too straight
u just might fall in love with keshi

she is pretty
and she has a huge female fan following

kate...fb said...

anony, I am only a casual commenter and I cant comment on keshies blog, but I do think keshi is a nice lady like myself, and for your info i'm not gay.
have pics of vestie when he was a real horny hunk. I met some old mates of vests on anzac day they said his nick name was hoss.

lower deck lawyer said...

Finally, Dutch say animal sex illegal.

AFTER two years of debate, the Dutch Parliament voted unanimously yesterday to make sex with animals a crime.

Sex with animals and making "animal pornography" now carries a penalty of up to six months jail.

Current Dutch law only forbids bestiality when animals are found to have been mistreated.

The pro-business VVD party and the Party for the Animals opposed the Bill but voted in favour anyway.

Mike

Vest said...

Wally: So now we know the truth you wicked young man. Now we know you are one, with a capital'W'.

Kate: So you care, thats nice to know.
BTW' the so called nick name hoss and others such as sausage and donkey, are ploys used by mates to help a mate impress a girl friend. Although I dont fall into the category suggested, I am by no means miniscule.x.

Lower D L: That is bad news for sheep herders seeking gratification whilst on vacation in the Netherlands.

rosemary said...

Anonymous, Amy has a partner named Gregory who is a 38 year old HUNK who upon I cast an occasional lascivious eye, and I assure you I have no more chance than hubby has
invading the likes of Amy's or Kate's nether regions.

Rosemary say's to Vest,"How dare they think we are randy old despots".

Jim said...

when they said his nick name was hoss

it meant his rear
not his front

Jim said...

we are randy old despots".
thats a complement guys

u r either randy
or u r limp

and thats a fate worse than death
its of no use to anyone when it is limp

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

what was that post that got deleted?

Anonymous said...

Current Dutch law only forbids bestiality when animals are found to have been mistreated.


meaning its OK to sex a camel
but sexing a chicken or a mouse wud hurt the recepient

Vest said...

Anonymous: The deleted comment was completely over the top.
Try using a little innuendo in your comments instead of portraying your message in a totally obscene manner.

izzy dave said...

I notice a lack of response from our Kiwi Neighbours from the land of the great white cloud, is their lack of libido thinking - due to the thrashing they have just this minute received from the poms or are their Ewe's having a raggy week?

Keshi said...

Im not surprised that some men really do this kinda thing. Cos some men r worse than animals.

Keshi.

Vest said...

Izzy dave: guess what we had for dinner,'Pork Chops' bloody beautiful, I have been reading about the Rabbi's in the PL spending most of their free time in the bordellos of Tel Aviv. See you soon.
Your jibe at my friends the kiwis was unwarranted they are just as bad as the poms when it comes to cricket. In any case I know a nice lady in NZ who I am particularly fond of.
China has the largest Sheep population in the world,
Chinese parents are restricted to one child.
The ratio is one Ewe to 37 active men in China.
In NZ It is three Ewes to each bloke.

Keshi: The way I see it is , If these guys who bonk inanimate objects were women they would have the privilege of using the accepted items that women use to gratify their desires, these objects are legally offered for sale in sex mags. A plethora of pulsating plugs for the unfulfilled lady of distinction. However, it is unlikely you will read, "For Sale' One year old Modified Hoover Vac with new replacement VAG parts (three sizes)variable suction-goes well,one owner getting married $50.00, ONO.xxx

Anonymous said...

u got a point there VEST
women use inanimate objects too

but they call them with a dignified sounding name such as dildo

VEST while he was at sea used the sailors friend

Anonymous said...

I wonder what Keshi uses?

Nilesh Agarwal said...

well well well
I searched 80 still randy

and I got here
Google search is amazing

Dinesh said...

Rosemary

I been watching VEST
your hubby is bad
but u r wonderful

so i will not send him to hell
but for Gods sake (I mean my sake)

ask him to confess and sin no more

or take a trip to India
and dunk him in The Ganges

God said...

Damn
my name is not Dinesh

when I visited India
they called me Dinesh

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I'd like to talk about a concept that is rather
difficult for most men to "get".

Ironically, it's a concept that's rather easy
to understand, but because it's so illogical and
"counter intuitive" it's also easy to miss
entirely.

It's understanding what attracts women
sexually.

And what I'm about to share with you took me
literally YEARS to figure out... even though it
was right in front of my face the whole time.

When I first decided to get this area called
"Women and Dating" handled in my own life, I did
what I think most guys do... I THOUGHT a lot about
it, I READ a lot about it, and I ASKED a lot about
it.

I've spent a lot of time studying psychology
and human behavior, because it fascinates me...
and I figured that all of my understanding about
how people worked would really give me an
advantage in this quest I had started.

And since I think I'm pretty smart, I figured
that this would be something that I'd get figured
out rather quickly.

Well, what a humbling experience I was in for.

As I soon learned, it's not easy to solve an
illogical problem by thinking about it logically!

In fact, now that I know better, I think that
ATTRACTION is rather logical... it's just that how
it works is so UNEXPECTED that it SEEMS illogical.
q But for now, let's just use the term "illogical"
because it forces the mind to put aside pre-
conceived notions of what "should" happen.

As I was trying to figure all this stuff out
for myself (and keep in mind, I had no idea that I
would later write a book to help others) I kept
running into challenges.

It seemed that every logical thing I did just
didn't work in a way that made sense.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was ASSUMING
THAT ATTRACTION WORKED THE SAME WAY FOR WOMEN THAT
IT DOES FOR MEN.

It only made sense that since men are attracted
to looks and sweet personalities that women should
be too... right?

So, of course, I tried to work this angle by
wearing nice clothes, doing nice things for women,
and being the NICEST guy you could ever meet. I
was accommodating to the extreme. I would do
whatever a woman wanted, and basically accepted
whatever flaky or manipulative behaviors she used
with me.

But since none of that stuff seemed to really
help at all, I just kept coming to the same
conclusion:

I MUST NOT BE ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH, GOOD LOOKING
ENOUGH, RICH ENOUGH, OR SOMETHING ENOUGH.

I was doing everything I could imagine to be a
nice, sweet, great guy... but women just didn't
seem to respond to me in a "sexually attracted"
way...

"It must just be me that's the problem" I
thought.

Well, fortunately for me, I'm not one to quit
easily.

I stuck with it, and I finally did something
that had a PROFOUND impact on my personal
success...

I MADE FRIENDS WITH DIFFERENT GUYS WHO WERE
"NATURALLY" SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN AND I WATCHED
WHAT THEY DID.

When I think back now, I think to myself "DUH!"

But it REALLY made a huge difference.

By watching different guys in different
situations as they interacted with women, got
phone numbers, went out on dates, and even made
"physical" moves, I learned a lot.

What really fascinated me was that these
different guys, who in many cases didn't even know
each other, were doing EXACTLY THE SAME THINGS in
many cases.

And the REALLY mind-blowing part was that the
great techniques they were using were "no big
deal" to them, and therefore had never been
organized and taught in the "main stream".

By imitating what I learned from these new
friends, and by getting their help, all of a
sudden my success began to SKYROCKET. I mean big
time.

I went from barely being able to talk to a
woman and get her number to having 3 or 4 dates a
week. It was great.

But there was a problem...

IT STILL DIDN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE TO ME!

Even though I had more "game", and better
techniques... and women were responding better to
me, things still didn't "feel" quite right.

I didn't always get the same results when I did
things with women. Now, you'll never get 100%
consistency with anything in the real world, but
it was just TOO inconsistent most of the time.

And even worse, women would either fall in love
with me quickly or not call me back after the
first few dates most of the time.

I knew enough to be dangerous, but not enough
to really, really understand what was going on.

Well, fast-forward to now.

In the last several years, I've written a book,
produced seminars at both ends of the country,
released several comprehensive CD and/or DVD
programs, and generally spent a lot of time
teaching and refining this material.

A major benefit that this has provided me is
the ability to explain things better and faster...
and I'd like to give you a quick explanation of a
CRITICAL aspect of female sexual attraction that,
once you understand it, can literally change your
life FOREVER with women.

Here's the revelation:

Men are more attracted to physical traits, and
women are more attracted to PERSONALITY traits.

Men get sexually aroused and "turned on"
instantly at the sight of a young, shapely female
body. As a man, you know that this process happens
instantly and "all by itself", meaning you don't
really have a choice in the matter.

Well, WOMEN get sexually aroused initially and
"turned on" when they interact with a man that has
certain QUALITIES and PERSONALITY TRAITS.

WOMEN BECOME INSTANTLY TURNED ON SEXUALLY WHEN
THEY ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF CERTAIN PERSONALITY
TRAITS, JUST LIKE MEN BECOME TURNED ON BY CERTAIN
PHYSICAL TRAITS... AND THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT ANY
MAN CAN LEARN THESE TRAITS AND INTEGRATE THEM INTO
HIS OWN PERSONALITY.

If you're as fascinated with this process of how
and why women get turned on differently than men,
and you'd like to read more about it, go here:

http://www.DatingTechniques.com/PowerSexuality

Vest said...

You may or may not have noticed I dont use the 'F' word. An anonymous caller has used this word umpteen times in one comment which I received this morning.
Sorry pal, but if you wish to re -submit your dismal share market ditty re the the cost of unleaded in Bombay plus your sexual dilly-dallyings with a 94 year old damsel, ok with me providing you dettolize the contents, go wash your mouth out and have a nice day.

Anonymous said...

it is not possible to talk with an american widout using the F word

F is a verb
it is also an adjective an exclamation and a cussword too

and a word of endearment too

Wireless said...

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Vest said...

Wireless: Thanks for calling, I will get to you asp. oh and thanks for the hug, I hope it will cure my persistent headache.

Anonymous: Swearing is not mandatory, and is commonly used by those who have lost the plot or are out of control. The exception in my case is when I deem a person beyond the normaal recognition spectrum, a certain ex RAN Officer is due for a bollicking from me shortly.
The odd bit of swearing is understandable. However, when bad language is used as an all purpose adjective, it just shows up a shocking lack of vocabulary and, frankly, and probably,dare I say, a rather low IQ!