Wednesday, 21 November 2007

Facebook makes me Suicidal...JAY writes on 'Kill the Goat'...The best explanation of facebook ever.

Blogging is just masturbating without the mess.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Facebook makes me suicidal.
If you have thus far avoided the vast, sucking hole that is Facebook, congratulations. You will never have to learn that your ex-lover got fat and bald and the guy you turned down in high school has just bought his second waterfront cottage.You will also never know what your good friends, your creepy relatives, your casual acquaintances, people you vaguely remember fucking, and others you added because you were too embarrassed to admit you didn't recognize their names really think about you.And by "think about you", I don't mean whether they think you're a decent person or a hard worker. I mean whether they want to make out with you, secretly or otherwise. Now, clearly this is a bit sketchy: you can't claim that only want to make out with your wife. You have to pick. And you have to pick between 2 random people on your friends list. So if Facebook asks if you would rather make out with the guy who lives across the hall from you whom everyone refers to as "Mr. B.O." or the old lady who runs your eczema support group, you have to choose.Worse than choosing between two need-to-gargle scenarios is the fact that these very people are also making the same decisions about you. And then the results of hundreds of these decisions are published for everyone to see.I discovered that 100% of my friends voted me "rather kiss" , "better body", "cooler", and "sexier", which is natural enough. Thankfully these were also tempered with "most entertaining", "smarter", and "funnier." All words I use in reference to myself on at least an hourly basis. What perplexed me was also scoring 100% of the votes for "rather get stuck in handcuffs with" (although, even I can admit that it IS a pretty likely scenario), "more likely to win in a fight", (okay, I do have a pretty kicky reputation), "can drink more" (jeez, you name one saint after alcohol and suddenly you're a lush) and "more likely to skip class" (let it go already!). And what worried me is that I got no votes at all for "well-mannered", "studies harder", or "better at science."Oh, so I suck at science, do I?Okay, so it's great that my friends know me so well. But aren't friends supposed to, you know, lie on your behalf? Pretend you're better than you are? Not give you suck-at-science complexes?I was just about ready to saddle up my high horse and ride to my closest Facebookian's house, and pound on their door shouting obscenities until they either called the cops (how quickly those handcuffs make an appearance) or give me the votes I am due. I realize I've wasted lots of good years by not stumping for votes, not polling my friends, not having fancy dinners that raise millions of dollars in order to have me elected Most Honest.Would it help if I got celebrity endorsements?Now, I'm not saying that you should withdraw your votes for "rather sleep with". I still want to be your hottest friend. I just would also like to be more your most talented friend, most accomplished, smoothest legs (okay, that one doesn't exist yet, but it should) - and hell, just for shits and giggles, let's throw in most organized as well. Fuck I'm impressive. Or, I would be, if only my friends were better liars.You know, as long as I'm here, I may as well just junk the so-called friends who dared point out the fact that I am not tech-savvy and accept applications for new friends. Facebook friends. The only qualifications you need is the ability to stretch the truth, a willingness to assume that I am the best singer and the best smelling, and above else - not be better looking than me.
posted by Jay @ 1:36 AM
postCount('790101863040594344');
(38) Beat the goat with a hickory stick

postCountTB('790101863040594344');
Crowd

14 comments:

Vest said...

Keeping it simple, I just love the way this lady writes. more people should be encouraged to visit her.
"Great stuff Jay" Vest.

Keshi said...

Facebook makes me sick. :)

Keshi.

amy said...

Jay has excellent writing skills.

SME said...

It is rather dull and grim. The pages are plain, the "apps" inane, and the layout insane.

Vest said...

SME: I double dare you, to repeat your comment on Jay's blog. Oh go on it could be fun.
five bucks to my fav charity if you chicken out.

amy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
amy said...

Oh please sme you must do it or it isn't fair.

Vest said...

Providing the message is understood, there should be no need to criticise its lack of optimum clarity.
English is a stretch language: one size fits all.

SME: Thank you for calling.

lower deck lawyer said...

sme. Writing should not be the exclsive domain of those fortunate enough to have acquired skills that provide their ego to demean others of less ability.
Jays harrange on face book is a justifiable comment, loose in places, but hardly showing the need for overboard criticizm.

Anonymous said...

sme doesn't seem the same person I visited, quite pleasant actually. Does a J&H syndrome exist within her.

Jardine Rhodes Scholar said...

Jay's writing is simply drivel, unfortunately. Jardine . Prof English.

Anonymous said...

Why do some people use their exalted brain crammed knowledge also their titles to influence the out come of opinion, even when not having a clue of the subject in hand, professors of various callings become fatuous prigs.
Jardine , go boil your head.

Vest said...

Sadly SME has denied she was obscenely critical of Jay. Her account of the situation can be read on tshsmom or SME. here is my FINAL word on the matter.

It seems North Americans have inherited the gwb lying syndrome, just face up to it SME, you got caught out, denying you knew Jay who incidently has a comment on this post (TSHSMOM)ahead of yours plus using a (HIM) as a red herring, bringing in gun slinging mater to twist the truth will not hide the fact that it was a downright insult to some one who I and others believe has far more ability than you or others to write clearly and legibily after discounting the naughty words.
If it is beyond you to admit it or apologise so be it, but the truth is in your written words. A written apology to Jay would be in order
BTW I have no personal tiff with you SME.
Although I am becoming thick skinned when dealing with your dear maters vitriolic meaningless retorts.
Peace to all everyone have a wonderful weekend.

Rpt of LDL's comment.
Writing should not be the exclusive domain of those fortunate enough to have acquired skills that provide their ego to demean others of less ability.

amy said...

I have studied both posts, sme and tshsmom. I am afraid SME has really let herself down, how could she FIB and wriggle out of her problem, you have a smack on the hand for your naughtiness sme. butI do find your posts interesting despite all of this. chin up now. Amy.