Monday, 2 April 2007

HUGE DUNNY SEATS FOR FAT YANKEE BUMS.

NEWS in spoof from the dunny-bog front.
Sticksville Minnesota, in Uncle Samland, two dear friends of mine have gone from rags to riches. These two robust blubber queens have finally found their calling while pondering their fate when seemingly double parked on their own dunny, with over lapping butt flesh over the sides of the toilet seat creating circulation problems and being unable to rise from the seat without assistance.
This painful phenomenon has given rise to larger bog seats being made for obese people. Kate and tweety's designs, have taken off in the the land of the free, and the canucks in the north are said to enjoy the new resonating sounds from the stainless steel variety.
Only two seat sizes are being marketed at present, Size A and B for bigger, tweety and kate have a copyright on these comfortable designs which are called 'Butt spreaders' which can be bolted down to fit a normal size toilet bowl despite its width and stabilising bum pers.
Finding the spot for wiping or washing may prove to be daunting.
Although Obesity has not yet peaked in Oz to the extent of grossly bloated north Americans, some hotels in Sydney have them fitted for fat Yankee tourists'. American hotels have spent oodles of bucks for these new seats, private citizens are given the choice of a magazine subscription to enjoy while parked in comfort.

Airlines will be charging extra for people requiring larger seats. soon any passenger exceeding the 255 lbs or 120 kilo weight limit will be slapped with a fat surcharge.
Extra fuel costs and cuts in profits are the main reason for these changes.

Vest remembers: Getting caught with your pants down in a theatre of war, can be debilitating.
Korea April 19 , 1952. the complete 650 man crew of The British cruiser HMS Ceylon, were in a constant line up to use the heads or a handy bucket. For 24 hours soothing salves and ointments easing the soreness of their butts after taking numerous sulphur tablets to cure the outbreak of dysentery, one gay officer stated "Its like a cock up of mass proportions.

A final word from Abdul Karim Our middle east correspondent from downtown Lakemba in Sydney OZStrayer.
ARE you left handed or a mollydooker? If so, make it clearly known by wearing this info on your lapel or where it can be clearly seen, that a molly dooker you be. or face the wrath of your Muslim friends at a formal Noshup. It seems most Muslims use their left hand when dipping into the pot for their Nasi Goreng makan. the reason for this seems, that you don't use your butt wiping hand to maul the makan.
Dipping your right hand is the wrong hand and only right if you are left handed, makes sense doesn't it.
Has anyone had the unfortunate experience to use an Asian stoop dunny. Success comes from perseverance or being fitted with a bomb sight. My first attempt was disastrous, I missed and it dropped into my strides at the dip, so embarrassing. ta for now , aim straight, Vest.

12 comments:

lower deck lawyer said...

I sure have mate, when I was up in singers some time back, problem is the distance of the drop creates aheavy plop and its hard to avoid the splash, what made you do this post. Mike.

wally said...

my mums real skinny if the hole gets bigger shell get stuck in the s bend.

Vest said...

LDL: I was watching the Australian movie called KENNY, who was an amicable middle aged plumber/dunny cleaner, Who flew to the USA for the huge dunny(toilet) Expo, it was on Foxtel last night.
Also two weeks ago I bought a new seat for the downstairs bathroom, and noted the difference in sizes of seats.
My fondest memories of neanderthal bucket bogs goes back to the thirties.
My favourite book on non flushers was titled, "The Specialist". The hero in the story was a guy who built out door dunny's to order.
Brick and tile wooden seats, iron roofs and wood cladding or in what ever materials you desired with locks or latches and from a one holer to twelve holers for the larger institutions, some with divided cubicles, my first school in Chalgrove had an alley at the back for the removal of this so called 'Night soil'. tell you more about that some other time, quite funny, gotta go, sorry.very tired.

Vest said...

I have just been woken by a huge thunder storm at 4.56 am - sounded like tweety blasting off on her new thunder box with the wider seat.
Overnight contributors to deleted comments were all from the USA & Canada. Multiple comments and unsuitable language not accepted on this blog, particularly from KNOWN anon commenter's. Criticism is OK, but not the too personal variety. Anyhow I am going to pop back in the sack for a quick cuddle, getting a bit chilly sitting here.

Vest said...

Tshsmom: This is the comment you will delete from your blog,for your visitors to read here.
Vest said...
I hope you enjoyed my latest post. it had 47 visitors from Nth America overnight eight rude and some multiple comments were deleted. Book sales up, uncertain yet; seems to be more than thirty, all proceeds to charity.
I wish you and Tweety good fortune with your large lavatory seat marketing venture.
Have a glorious day, your dear friend Vest.

amy said...

Loved the post..quite funny.your last comment was a trifle cynical,:)

ahmed said...

Not leave it to late before stool evacuate always remove leg garment before, if time allow always hopefully, sit with legs wide and balance, you learn to do very quickly and skillfully, hope I am helping, Ahmed, student,Sydney

lower deck lawyer. said...

After. I Quote Ahmed."Evacuating one's Stool" can cause a major dilemma, the standard practice of cleansing the anal orifice with water is not widely done in Australia so I'm suggesting that Ahmed returns Post haste to provide details on, 'Finishing The Job'. Mike.

Vest said...

Ahmed & LDL, further input on the matter of the technicalities involved in the use of Asian Dunny's, CAN, now be pooped to Rest.Room for more info is there? You CAN go to www.weewee.dump@BumBogspot.com or Google "How to use an Asian Toilet".

Vest said...

EASTER Message of goodwill to tshsmom in The land of the free and easy. Last year, we moved from our open back yard property on the water front where I recorded a list of twenty six bird species, we were quite content there except for the intrusions on our lives by Mosquitoes, rotting weed smells and Bow-Wow's calling cards.

Our present larger abode closer to amenities and without the former problems was occupied by my Darling our elder son and myself until three weeks ago, Since then our Prodigal youngest son of 39.5 summers has returned to the nest; together with all his trappings plus two black desexed moggies.

Although our present home does not get the same variety of visiting birds, we get more pigeons than we care for, but it seems something will have to be done about the wholesale slaughter of 4 lorikeets,1 galah, 5 pigeons. 1 bilby and three unrecognisable kills, since #5 son and his marauders returned to the fold.

We have Wedge Tailed Eagle in these parts of Strayer. no Bald Eagles except for hairless lawyers.
Everyone have a lovely peaceful Easter. And as the corn cob pipe man said, "I Shall Return" Bye for now.

Vest said...

Message left on the tshsmom blog in the USA.in reply to her awful Easter card.

TSHSMOM.Thank you for your Easter card depicting me being crucified on the cross and suffering beatings by your cronies, "How dare you be so wicked" in any case it was unseemly and hurtful to my pride.
You were very naughty, other commenters take note. you may be next when I retire from the fray. hope you all had a lovely Easter.

Vest said...

Message left on the tshsmom blog in the USA.in reply to her awful Easter card.

TSHSMOM.Thank you for your Easter card depicting me being crucified on the cross and suffering beatings by your cronies, "How dare you be so wicked" in any case it was unseemly and hurtful to my pride.
You were very naughty, other commenters take note. you may be next when I retire from the fray. hope you all had a lovely Easter.

Goodbye Dear Rosemary. (Final)

      It was around 3 pm Wednesday March 8 That Rosemary returned from 'Day Care', she looked fine and healthy and bubbly and gave ...