Friday, 16 December 2005

CRICKET IV'E GOT YOUR WICKET, RIGHT HERE

The following preamble is a laymans explanation of the rules of cricket to the people of North America.
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in goes out, and when he is out he comes in and the next man goes in until he is out. When one side are all out, the side that's been out comes in and the side that has been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who are all out all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice, after the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.
The general rules of actual play are saturated with a glossary of terms and conditions with sub rules, with the prefixes 'Unless, depending, benefit of doubt, and other Misc Claptrap, every morsel of important cricket goings on is recorded in WISDEN a sacred hard to get book with more info on cricket than Brittanica, from the time the first ball was bowled in Hambledon Hampshire England in the early 19th century . There is more to read in Wisden than the 'Holy Bible' or the 'SevenPillars of WISDOM'.
Any Cricket Jokes?

42 comments:

Vest said...

HOWS THIS for srarters.
This Strange occurrence was noted in the 1950s and seemed a bit queer to most sport lovers. (TRUE)
Two brothers both played football(soccer) also cricket, for their Country (England).They also played cricket for their County team named MIDDLESEX and the top Soccer team which was ARSENAL.

Gordon said...

Good morning mr vest,I am a first timer, I saw this piece in the historical section of the local paper.
NOEL COWARD.
With a little editing by me it reads.
Dramatist, composer and entertainment ( all rounder *)( a cricket term *) a life long bachelor, was born this day in MIDDLESEX in 1899

Vest said...

Thanks Gordon. Was it he uhhm who composed the song "A Bachelor Gay am I"-- must check.

Vest said...

haved checked it out. A very romantic song from the earlier part of the past century written by (I Forget) but from the show 'Maid of the Mountain'.
I remembered the tune, there was no one around so I sang to the words and recorded my rendition, I shall make copies and send them to people I least like.

mark said...

Mr Vest I am a Catholic Boy, and I noticed that 95% of known aussie cricketers have saints names, this because so i have been told, they are mostly ex students of catholic schools who have the money to waste on sport. not so the state schools. thank you I hope this story is ok.

Vest said...

Thank you Mark, it has often crossed my mind that what you have suggested could be spot on, get back to me any time you are most welcome.
Read about Cricket Scumbags in my March 2005 Archives, Quite Funny.

mark said...

me again mr vest, what do you reckon of shane warne as a cricketer hero.

Vest said...

Hi Mark.You appear to me as being a level headed person, so with such qualifications I am hoping that you will not feel too offended as I dissect 'Warney' piece by piece.
First of all he is not a hero, but an overpaid icon.
Then as a spin bowler he is probably one of the best, the number of victims he has snared is the highest, due the fact that spin bowlers use less energy to bowl means he has nearly twice the use of the ball than other bowlers.
Two thirds of his victims are lower order batsmen, most top order batsmen have him worked out.
When he travels with his team he has single accommodation apposed to twin share, this is due to the fact that he has an obsession for a feed of baked beans, as well as being a filthy chain smoker.
Further more he has a crimminal record, that of a drug user.
Then of course, he has this well known problem,'Other Women'; not just one or two but many, he also has a loving family, they do the loving, but not for too much longer, his darling wife has forgiven him several times, he has been shown the door.
Mark, My opinion of him is that, he is an arsehole Ist class and what concerns me most is that people are too willing to elevate people like 'Shane Warne'who succeed at the inconsequential and fail at the truly significant.

tshsmom said...

OK, now I don't feel so bad when I don't understand cricket. ;)
This reminds me of Who's on First by Abbot & Costello. "I don't know...3rd base!"

Wandering Coyote said...

I once saw a tea towel in a souvenir shop in England that had the rules to cricket on it, much like you've written here. I almost bought it.

This was very funny! I used to frequent a pub in Victoria BC called The Sticky Wicket.

The Zombieslayer said...

Only time I've ever seen cricket was in the movie Syriana, of which there was a brief scene of a sandlot cricket game.

took a Pakistani co-worker to a baseball game once and he kept referring to the batter as the "batsmen." I guess that must be a cricket term.

sinfulouis said...

mr vest you did not reply to my question, on the Vandeiman land post

Vest said...

sinfulouis, up with the lark this morning , can't sleep, tummy trouble after last nights indulgence, what's your dilemma at this early hour?.
In reply to your question regarding my travels, at the time of your first enquiry I made a few notes but failed to post them.

Apart from several air journeys,Eng- Asia, and Australia- England. most of my travels were with the British Navy over a period of nearly 25 years, visiting aprox 78 different countries and making multiple visits to some of them amounting to aprox 214.
For about 33 years I have lived in England with lots of gaps and I have also lived in Australia for 34 years, in Hong Kong for 2.2 years, Singapore & Malaysia for 2.3 years, the only continent i have not visited is Antarctica.
BTW are you a bloke or a bird?

sinfulouis said...

I suppose im a bloke as you so indelicately put it and i have a male partner and i am 22 years old and live in melbourne btway do find it funny knocking gays.

Vest said...

sinfulouis, I do have friends and relatives who are gay, but I do not cohort with them sexually, I have a wife and large extended family.
My advice to you is , Join the Australian Navy; you will get all your desires fulfilled when you go on a long sea journey now that sodomy is legal at sea.
further more I recommend you use that melbourne based blog site TSSH for any further chit chat, they are the worlds best purveyers of filth nonsense and depravity.
P O.

tshsmom said...

We ALL know that the previous comment was NOT the TRUE Vest!

Vest said...

this is the real vest, the real vest is not gay. possibly the person who made the prevous sicko comments was a 'cap n scumbag who first appeared on the zom s blog. to whom I described as disgusting among other statements, this guy and his alter ego have IQs to equal that of a rocking horse,his site does not allow anon comment. but has used the privilege of anon comment on my site. The sicko just mentioned, allows filth and depravity on his site, this person is also in charge of young crimminal offenders and who knows what that creep gets up to, could possibly be a PEDO.

scumbag said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vest said...

cap scumbag, your title is indicative of your mentality, dont come the born again messiah with me sport, a deviate of your caliber will burn slowly in the hell you make for youself. There is no lack of profanity in any of your crude ungrammatical statements, please do the world a favor crawl away and disappear

Vest said...

I will not allow filth on my website.
The three obscene comments from cap- scumbag will shortly be deleted.

dave said...

hi vesty, who are these new friends of yours, seems like you have got up their noses mate.. they do swear a bit.

Vest said...

Two comments were previously posted by the cap scumbag blog containing unacceptable language and have been deleted

Vest said...

tshsmom, great detective work.

scumbag said...

vest, why do you hate us so much?

Vest said...

Hatred is going to the extreme, I rarely use the word, in most cases only to quote others. What gets up my nose is the constant barrage of unnecessary obscene filth some blogs churn out in the name of interesting gossip and general information, the type of inane claptrap which is punctuated by four letter lavatorial cliches which easily produce a profile of the writer as a person of unsound mind. This is why my Grand Children are restricted to certain sites which wll not corrupt their early years, my twelve year old G/Daughter stated recently on hearing a taboo word on the TV, dont worry grandpa I'm Bilingual now, meaning she was fluent in English and obscenities, but preferred using English.

TheLadyofHouse said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vest said...

too late too late, my song has ended ma'm. Enjoy your private fantasies until the bubble bursts.
BTW my enthusiasm will not extend from Oz to the USA'

Vest said...

. (Lady of the house, say's, you really like to go in and out with your wicket dont you, I bet behind closed doors you are one good fxxx)

Answer: WAS. Sorry, I will have to delete your 'F' word, thank you for calling, no need for you to return. BYE.

Kaci said...

hmmmm

Vest said...

Kaci, Thank you for the sermon. I am surprised that a person of your standing would rummage through the C S site. Invasion of privacy!! our illustrious leaders seem to have that privilige, that is how your best friend is stuck in a hell hole, but I do wish him a safe return to you.
Just regard me as a sort of missionary bent on removing garbage from the internet, and to you LUDICROUS as it may appear, I send my best wishes, have a nice day.

Vest said...

Kaci. Your previous comment unfotunately was deleted at the same time I dumped two unsavoury comments, have a nice day.

Vest said...

Good morning all of you out there in cyber space. The past 24 hours has been full of fun and intrigue. I have deleted about a dozen filthy comments and some close to the bone, and in doing so have really brought out the worst in some of my adversaries, who like rabid dogs have scurried off with their tails down.
I will admit there are different breeds out there; some of whom would be best left to engage in their own self destuctive thinking.have a nice day

Vest said...

last para in last comment, destuctive should read destructive.

Vest said...

sugarpunk , you dimwit, my space was invaded in the first instance by goons of your sadistic ilk who are now crying it isn't fair, did I not give you a farewell message on your site, it seems you are unnacustomed to politeness,so your further comments will be deleted regardless. bye sugarpunk.

TheLadyofHouse said...

You deleted me?! YOU DELETED ME?! Come on baby, you know you want me! ;-)

Vest said...

ladyofthehouse, Or should I say communal Bike. I need you like a hole in the head, your dubious charms are possibly meant for others who dont mind taking the punt on a carnal catarrh contract.

Other bloggers check her out, see for yourself.

TheLadyofHouse said...

LOL!! That was hilarious!

You are so sweet sending people to my blog!!

TheLadyofHouse said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Bonjour Monsieur Vest,

I just wanted to gloat about Australia's whitewash of the Ashes, a delightful 5-0 flogging :)

C'mon Aussies C'mon!!!!!!!! haha

I hope you and your delightful wife are well and I look forward to seeing you in the near future :)

MsSpankilicious, NSW

Anonymous said...

"England wins first game on Aussie tour...At last, relief for England. After 72 days of doom and gloom, England's cricketers celebrated their first win of a miserable Australian tour by defeating fellow tourists New Zealand by three wickets at Bellerive Oval.

Hammered 5-0 by Australia in the Ashes and with its best batsman Kevin Pietersen back home nursing a rib injury, England belatedly claimed its breakthrough tour victory after overhauling New Zealand's 9-205 with just one ball to spare in the tri-series one-day international in Hobart."

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=67437

Mon dieu! Monsieur Vesty!!! When will the British cricket team actually defeat the Australian Cricket Gods? (smirk) I think we should let you guys win at least one game to save face...

A bientot.

Madam Spankilicious :)

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JohnBraun said...

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